tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48179786239573110582024-03-12T20:16:23.672-07:00The GutrotterThese bars are filled with things that kill. By now you probably should have learned.Jasperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12723658300598891997noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-17772341438628979542011-05-01T11:59:00.000-07:002011-05-01T11:59:04.459-07:00PostscriptI just wanted to a quick goodbye and a rundown of some of the highlights and lowlights from this blog. A farewell, and a few questions aswered.<br />
<br />
<b>Least Awful Drink</b><br />
I'll still pick up a bottle of Night Train or Irish Rose every once in a while when I wanna get crazy with friends. It's not good by any means but, compared to T-Bird or Mad Dog, it's pretty palatable and it'll get you trashed fairly efficiently. The <a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/08/special-name-unknown-pelinkovac.html#comments">Pelinkovac</a>, that weird Croatian wormwood/cinnamon thing, was actually fairly decent and I'm still working through the bottle, throwing a splash of it into Manhattans or just as flavoring in soda water every once in a while-- it's one of the few I'd recommend picking up if you have a chance..<br />
<br />
<b>Most Awful</b><br />
The top two are Malort and that time I made prison wine, but Malort is established and successful solely on how terrible it is and the prison wine was designed to be undrinkable-- and then I think I screwed up the fermentation process and made poison. So out of the legitimate, cheap hobo-drink contenders, it's <b> </b><a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/05/jacquins-banana-nirvana.html">Jacquin's Banana</a>. Most of the other really awful things I'll sometimes pick up just for fun or to horrify my friends (really want a bottle of Malort to call my own, to be honest), but I am <i>never</i> touching that again.<br />
<br />
<b>Best Review</b>I really like how the <a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/11/old-mill-stream-whiskey.html">Mill Stream</a> review turned out-- it makes so little sense that it would end up turning into a joint review of bad whiskey and a short-lived Sonic show from the 90's, but there's a really surreal beauty to it. I wish I'd done more reviews that just went absolutely nuts like that one did. The <a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2011/03/thunderbird-cocktail-hour.html">Thunderbird Cocktail Hour</a> was also pretty great-- I love the way it turns into this Beckett pastiche at the end, and the Final Thoughts just being a picture of Kurtz is one of my favorite jokes I've ever made on this blog.<br />
<br />
<b>Worst Review</b><br />
Probably my <a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/07/el-jimado-canned-paloma.html">El Jimador<b> </b></a>review. It was around that point that I realized I was both running out of really entertaining stuff to review and starting to fall into some comedic ruts. Also, the running gag there pretty much boiled down to "more nonsensical and snobby references than usual," which... it's just not a very cohesive review, and the subject itself was pretty boring.<br />
<br />
<b>Most Fun Review</b><br />
No contest here, <a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/08/gr-north-cossack-vodka-w-tyler-lee.html">Cossack vodka</a>. Hanging out with one of the greatest people in the world, doing what I do and having a great time. Late that night-- about the point in the review where I pretty clearly leave the computer for a while and come back more drunk --<b> </b>we just went outside, had a couple smokes in the Massachusetts summer (and I never smoke, except for when the drinking/close friend/nirvanic relaxation ven diagram lines up) and just talked and swapped stories for a while. One hell of a good time.<br />
<br />
<b>Regrets</b><br />
I never got around to doing any rum or tequila-- the only really clearly disreputable brand the store carried of either was Aristocrat, and we all know how awful that is. I'd have like to have expanded the blog some and tracked down weird foreign liquors and moonshine<b> </b>and stuff like that, but I just never had the time and the money.<br />
<br />
<b>Potential Theme Songs</b><br />
Kimya Dawson-- <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KFhDvgTfrw">"The Beer"<b> </b></a>. The opening line is about having Mad Dog 20/20 for breakfast. Pretty appropriate.<br />
World/Inferno Friendship Society-- <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onrklAlfDIE">"Addicted to Bad Ideas"</a>. The chorus is about refusing to give up your worst decisions, drinking/morphine-ing yourself to death, and then they make a reference to Goethe's <i>Faust</i>.<br />
The Mountain Goats-- <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMmll92na5o">"Game Shows Touch Our Lives."</a> You gotta watch that video. The introduction he gives is pretty much the zone my brain clicked into at the end of every review. Also "I handed you a drink of the lovely little thing / on which our survival depends. / People say friends don't destroy one another / what do they know about friends?" goes out to everyone who's had T-Bird with me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vTjvlheB_J8/Tb2tbNpduhI/AAAAAAAAAHk/XtaT22fp7QM/s1600/Photo_00016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vTjvlheB_J8/Tb2tbNpduhI/AAAAAAAAAHk/XtaT22fp7QM/s320/Photo_00016.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>And that's it. I love you all-- and please, follow me over at <a href="http://triumphlit.blogspot.com/">The Triumph</a>. Have good lives, and don't drink what I drink.Jasperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12723658300598891997noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-70152806151806715392011-04-29T23:31:00.000-07:002011-04-29T23:31:12.803-07:00The Last Review: Pinnacle Whipped Cream and Chocolate VodkaGoodbye my brothers, my loves, my followers and the cheerleaders of my destruction. It has been a beautiful year and change, a beautiful series of terrible liquors and wines and beers. And this is the last review. I need to keep my liver, and I'm writing twice a week at <a href="http://triumphlit.bogspot.com/">The Triumph</a> now. If you've enjoyed the ride here, please check out the work I'm doing there-- this has been a hobby, but The Triumph is my passion and my love. I'll have a full farewell post and a real goodbye up here soon, but here is the last review. I love you all and hope you all are happy.<br />
<br />
So here it is: the vodka-that-is-not-vodka, something that represents everything wrong with cheap mass-market vodka for people who don't understand why you drink vodka. I was told that I should try the whipped-cream vodka because it was the epitome of "not vodka marketed at teenage girls." So, let us mourn the end of an era and the disgrace that this bullshit brings to a proud alcoholic culture by reviewing it and immersing ourselves in the darkest parts of that culture we can.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/252/260163.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/252/260163.jpg" width="217" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boris Grebenshikov!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>LOOK</b><br />
Well, it's clear. The label has a dollop of whipped cream and a generic Hershey's kiss on it, making it clear that this isn't even going to taste like <i>good</i> chocolate. According to the label, they import the vodka from France and then infuse it in Maine, which is...horrifying. With the exception of Grey Goose, which I really like, I don't think the French quite understand the point of vodka-- they make Ciroc out of <i>grapes</i>, for christ's sake. And even the people who don't go for the strong, peppery, harsh beauty of vodka-- that stark Russian beauty, that alcoholic Raskolnikovian seething --even they think that this chocolate cream shit is only for Americans.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/niven/142/img/pr4801.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/niven/142/img/pr4801.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This vodka is the equivalent of the pawnbroker's retarded sister.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The label design is pretty bad, too-- it's a translucent sticker with visible adhesive. Can I just say here that this is the same price range as Smirnoff, but that Smirnoff has some of my favorite label design in vodka? Seriously, their really-Russian redesign as of late is really gorgeous. This...is not. The bottle shape is nice, but...the label looks like 5-dollar vodka. Nikolai has a better label.<br />
<br />
<i>HOLY SHIT</i>, when you pour it into a glass this thin layer of flavored oil rises to the top. That is... I've never seen that before. What a catastrophic failure. What the hell just happened here? This makes less sense than the second 5-year-plan<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://english.ruvr.ru/data/504/305/1234/Pushkin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>It smells like condensed milk. It smells sweeter than whipped cream <i>or </i>chocolate. It's so wretched and wrong that it essentially keeps heaping sugar on there like the way that kids' cereal is just essentially glue and artificial sweeteners because that is the only way to trick kids into thinking it's good. It smells like Cocoa Pebbles covered in condensed milk. And then with pancake syrup over that. It's something awful and wretched that covers itself with false beauty. Like how St. Petersburg uses the gold of its domes to distract from the pallid faces of its starving citizens.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://english.ruvr.ru/data/504/305/1234/Pushkin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://english.ruvr.ru/data/504/305/1234/Pushkin.jpg" width="271" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shot in a duel because he was never able to convince himself he deserved his wife.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There's still that poisonous alcohol tinge under it, though, burning under the bottom. And while that can be a nice element of certain vodka flavors, it doesn't marry with the cream and the sugar and the candy flavors-- that alcoholic burn in no way matches the rest of the flavors, and that disconnect makes it clear that this was designed as an insult to actual vodka and a candy-ass attempt to get people drink who in no way understand the good things in this world. It exists in a bizarre culture where there's no real joy, just hollow "fun" and a secret sickness no one will admit.<br />
<br />
<i>God, it has been so goddamn fun writing this blog. Thank you</i>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><b>TASTE</b>It tastes like the worst White Russian ever. There's no real chocolate flavor here, just really artificial sugar. It tastes like (I'm just assuming here, having no real-- well, no remembered experience) breast milk and splenda.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.uvm.edu/%7Esgutman/altman-akhmatova.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.uvm.edu/%7Esgutman/altman-akhmatova.jpg" width="267" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We are all whores here, we drink as deep as moths." --A. Akhmatova, wondrous drunk</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It's that really chemical sweetness that a lot of this bad booze has, the kind that coats your mouth and clings to it like you've just chugged some olive oil. Only this clinging sweet oil tastes like milk. Sort of. It actually tastes vaguely curdled-- sticky and spoiled and pungent. Well, not spoiled, just sour-sweet, like buttermilk.<br />
<br />
Again, there's no chocolate here. It just tastes like extra sugar. It's like how someone who doesn't like coffee tries to drink it through syrups and flavors and bullshit starbucks orders, only with vodka instead of coffee. This tastes like an office drone trying to get drunk and hide it by just mixing his vodka with non-dairy creamer and Splenda. With that acrid simmer of bitterness and bile that stands out as a separate flavor from the rest, like a tumor clinging to the underside of the sweetness and the milk. Like, there's a line in the Mountain Goats "Missouri" "Spent a long time staring at the residue / blood, milk, and oil." That's what this actually tastes like.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.tryonuniversity.com/lenin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://www.tryonuniversity.com/lenin.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On the plus side, the sugar and alcohol make it a great preservative.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
I'm glad I got to end with this one. It's not the <i>worst</i>, but there's been no liquor yet that missed the point of liquor so quickly. This tastes like a sorority party, like the absolute absence of <i>joy</i> in alcohol. This is no Malort, no Banana Hitler or T-Bird, but it's... I can't think of a reason why you'd ever want this. It's just straight-up bad, there's nothing fun or special here-- it's mass-produced sugary syrupy mediocrity and filth and the joyless underbelly of American liquor.<br />
<br />
Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for encouraging me in these goddamn bad ideas and this vodka that tastes like Mother Russia's breast milk. You've been a wonderful audience, and this has been a terrible bottle.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2006/12/06/shostakovich460.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="208" src="http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2006/12/06/shostakovich460.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DSCH's terror-grin under the boot of pure evil pretty much epitomizes it. It's been a year of bumwine and living like the 3rd quartet.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Jasperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12723658300598891997noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-31088683943824636322011-03-26T22:59:00.000-07:002011-03-26T22:59:03.535-07:00Thunderbird Cocktail Hour.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.like.com/fashion/themes/like.com/uploader/files/lucille_bluth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Today is an awful day.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/GARBAGE-DAY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://www.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/GARBAGE-DAY.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>THUNDERBIRD DAY!</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Today we picked up a bottle of Thunderbird with the intent of making cocktails out of it. We're going to work with one of the worst things in the world--one of my greatest nemeses--and see how we can make it drinkable. We picked up some special ingredients that should be interesting to work with, and are gonna figure out the best way to drink Thunderbird.<br />
<br />
The least awful way. The-- <i>a </i>way to drink Thunderbird.<br />
<br />
<b>CONTROL GROUP: T-BIRD PLAIN</b><br />
<b>Look:</b> I've reviewed the Bird before, but as a recap: looks vaguely yellow and lymph-like. Not a lot of color. But what there is is bad.<br />
<b>Taste: </b>Man, it's been too long since I've had the Bird because I was <i>not</i> ready for that. It tastes like diesel with sugarcubes and grapes mixed in. It's simultaneously bitter and sweet and chemical and, while not the worst, is the epitome of everything wrong with what I do for fun.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.empireonline.com/images/features/100greatestcharacters/photos/40.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.empireonline.com/images/features/100greatestcharacters/photos/40.jpg" width="284" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>I think it was with Thunderbird that Gallo really came into its own, commercially and artistically.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>THE BLUEBIRD</b><br />
<b>Special ingredient:</b> This weird-as-hell bottled blue margarita that I picked up at the liquor store for two dollars. What makes it so strange is that it's not a real margarita--it has regular triple sec, not blue curacao. It's just tequila, triple sec, artificial lime, and blue dye. It looks, tastes, and smells exactly like melted blue freeze pops.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.like.com/fashion/themes/like.com/uploader/files/lucille_bluth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.like.com/fashion/themes/like.com/uploader/files/lucille_bluth.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"What color was it mom?"<br />
"BLUE."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<b> Recipe: </b>Equal parts blue margarita mix and Thunderbird.<br />
<b>Look: </b>Exactly like Windex. Exactly.<br />
<b>Verdict: </b>It has the sweet tartness of an unripe plum, but that's where the similarity to anything legitimately natural. It mostly just tastes sour and vaguely papery. Yeah. Kinda like a library book and a bag of lemons in a blender. With windex. It does not work. It actually has very little effect on the thunderbird itself.<br />
<br />
But seriously. Why is it blue? If it's just the ingredients of a margarita, why would you make it blue? What does the windex color add to it that it was lacking otherwise?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.bc.edu/bc_org/avp/cas/his/CoreArt/art/resourcesb/dav_soc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="260" src="http://www.bc.edu/bc_org/avp/cas/his/CoreArt/art/resourcesb/dav_soc.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"Why did you give me this blue margarita bullshit?"</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>THUNDERBULL</b><br />
<b>Special Ingrdient: </b>Red Bull.<br />
<b>Recipe: </b>Equal parts Thunderbird and Red Bull. Fuckin duh.<br />
<b>Look:</b> Looks pretty good actually. Sort of a golden coppery color. Looks like a beer I'd willingly drink. <br />
<b>Verdict:</b> Does not taste like anything I'd willingly drink. The sweetness of the Bull really brings out the sweetness in Thunderbird, but there's nothing to counterbalance the awful parts. When you try and drink it quickly this really powerful tart flavor builds up and it gets hard to finish the rest. Better than the bluebird, but not by a lot.<br />
<br />
It's sad, old and musty-tasting, over-sweet while being somehow bitter. It's the worst candy from the purse of the worst grandma.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://thefwoosh.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Granny-goodness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://thefwoosh.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Granny-goodness.jpg" width="242" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>I don't </i>want<i> to kiss you, you remind me of my own death.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>THE FUSELI</b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.artchive.com/artchive/f/fussli/fuseli_nightmare.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="259" src="http://www.artchive.com/artchive/f/fussli/fuseli_nightmare.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>That's the one.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><b> Special Ingredient: </b>Absente Absinthe. Green, herbal, bitter, and strong as fuck. We decided to name it after Fuseli because of his Romantic, gothic nature and the pure horror that this drink inspired.<br />
<b>Recipe: </b>1 part absinthe, 3 parts Thunderbird.<br />
<b>Look: </b>Weirdly enough, it doesn't cloud up like a lot of absinthe cocktails do. It just looks thin and green and bilious and, well, it looks like fuckin flat Mountain Dew. Which is grotesque. Which, well, is fitting to the name but I don't exactly look at Fuseli paintings and get thirsty.<br />
<b>Verdict:</b> This is honestly the worst one yet. The bitterness in the absinthe comes lurching out like the darkness of man with the Bird there to help it along, and all the herbal elements wind up bound to the bitter awful aspects of the thunderbird. And the fact that the absinthe is 110-proof makes the bumwine harder to drink, not easier, thus defeating the point of this whole exercise. It's two things bringing out the absolute worst in each other to create a single, new syzzygy of horrible.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://jeremymlange.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/110207_darnielle_441.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://jeremymlange.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/110207_darnielle_441.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"This is a song. About two people who love each other. Very much."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>THUNDERDRIVER</b><br />
<b>Special ingredient: </b>plain old orange juice. Let's make this wholesome and healthy, people. Jesus I have reached a low point in my life when mixing thunderbird with absinthe is considered a healthy alternative to what I would normally be doing. What have I done? What choices have you encouraged me in?<br />
<b>Recipe: </b>1 part t-bird, 2 parts oj.<br />
<b>Look: </b>looks like orange juice.<br />
<b>Verdict: </b>tastes like orange juice. With a slight tinge of garbage water. High amount of oj makes it hard to use up the bird, but this is the most drinkable. Try this in future. It's a good idea.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://terminallaughter.ca/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/tommywis.jpg?w=218" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://terminallaughter.ca/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/tommywis.jpg?w=218" width="232" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What I've become, Lisa.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>THE HATEFUCK</b><br />
<b>Special Ingredient: </b>All of the above. A symphony of crime.<br />
<b>Recipe: </b>Like I give even one eighth of half a fuck. Like I give one-sixteetnth of a fuck.<br />
<b>Look:</b> It looks creamy, opaque, yellowy-teal. It looks pretty much exactly like the thin liquid bile that dribbles from your throat when your stomach is empty but you keep retching. I want to point out that my eyelid is legit twitching right now. THUNDERBIRD.<br />
<b>Verdict: </b>The red bull is definitely the strongest flavor. The whole thing tastes like a candy melange-- when you were a child and you would shove all the sweets at once into your mouth. Was it then, when you were a child, that it took hold, or was it later that you realized that Thunderbird was what suited you? And when you were alone in the dark--when Thunderbird came to one on his back in the dark--did you know that this is where you would be, that the bird would sink his talons into you and that it would taste like sugar and every crime ever committed?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://kintespace.com/bitmaps/blog_beckett_on_film_krapps_last_tape.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://kintespace.com/bitmaps/blog_beckett_on_film_krapps_last_tape.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A John Hurt comes to a John Hurt, in the John Hurt.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://k-punk.abstractdynamics.org/archives/kurtz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://k-punk.abstractdynamics.org/archives/kurtz.jpg" width="261" /></a></div><b> </b>Jasperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12723658300598891997noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-23546379971153306322011-03-26T10:31:00.000-07:002011-03-26T10:37:24.501-07:00Guest Post: The Drunkest Ballplayers of All Time<span style="font-style: italic;">[special treat today: a guest post from my good buddy over at <a href="http://solomonkelly.blogspot.com/">The Desk of Solomon Kelly</a></span>. <span style="font-style: italic;">Dude writes an absolutely wonderful sports blog and he sent over a post that's thematically appropriate with what he do here (make awful decisions). Enjoy!]</span><br /><br />I've been a fan of the Gutrotter since its inception. I think it's a goddamn brilliant idea - and the fact that it must one day end is bittersweet (that my boy might be able to live to thirty is definitely a "pro").<br /><br />Today I bring you a shiny new entry in my site's continuing <em style="font-weight: bold;">Profiles in Not Giving a Fuck </em>series. Tighten your sporting boots, pull up your stockings, wax your mustache and rescind upon a woman's right to vote because this one is all about the Deadball Era of baseball.<br /><br /><strong><u><span style="font-size:large;">M<span style="font-size:small;">IKE</span> "K</span>ING<span style="font-size:large;">"</span> <span style="font-size:large;">K</span>ELLY</u></strong> <br /><br /><table class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;" align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><br /><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2293/2350721634_c50830702d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img r6="true" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2293/2350721634_c50830702d.jpg" border="0" width="232" height="320" /></a></td></tr><br /><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em>"It is literally astounding, how few fucks</em><em> I am inclined to offer on the matter."</em></td></tr><br /></tbody></table><br />King Kelly had fine-tuned his skills as a World Class Hellraiser in Chicago and didn't miss a beat setting up shop in his new home upon being sold to Boston for a then-unheard of $10,000. Despite four recorded instances in which he managed to steal bases by darting across the infield while the umpire was distracted, Kelly was a great player - ultimately, he was as good at base running as he was at drinking.<br /><br />And he was very, very good at drinking. <br /><br />Kelly's habit was, understandably, the stuff of legends. Some of which seem pretty damn plausible, all things considered (like the one where he brought a mug of beer with him onto the field) - but the actual, factual historical record is just so much better. Once, Boston's League Director himself had to pay a $200 bar tab for his star player's adventures from the night before. <em>The same day, </em>he gets forwarded another one, for another $200 - same night, different bar. In today's currency, that's right about $3,000 apiece.<br /><br />Yes, yes of course he was Irish. Just bringing home the stereotype, there's the fact that at his wake, "Nothing is Too Good for the Irish" and "Poor Mick" were sung.<br /><br /><table class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;" align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><br /><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cache.gawker.com/assets/stills/oldtimebaseball.flv.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img src="http://cache.gawker.com/assets/stills/oldtimebaseball.flv.jpg" border="0" width="320" height="243" /></a></td></tr><br /><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Basically, this.</td></tr><br /></tbody></table><br /><br /><strong><u><span style="font-size:large;">W</span>ALTER <span style="font-size:large;">"R</span>ABBIT<span style="font-size:large;">"</span> <span style="font-size:large;">M</span>ARANVILLE</u></strong><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><a href="http://exhibits.baseballhalloffame.org/dressed_to_the_nines/pictures/patches_1930.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img r6="true" src="http://exhibits.baseballhalloffame.org/dressed_to_the_nines/pictures/patches_1930.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><br /><br />Rabbit Maranville is like <em>this</em> close to being baseball's Patch Adams. Except for the fact that, goofy hat trick aside, dude had an especially dark sense of humor and an insatiable thirst for the cheap stuff.<br /><br />He once got hammered and, for shits and giggles, staged a murder in his hotel room - complete with gunshots. After screaming and wailing and breaking shit for a few minutes, he stopped, cooly walked by the terrified throng of people amassed outside his door in the hallway, saying only "Hiya fellas!" along the way.<br /><br />So dude was like... Nega-Patch Adams.<br /><br /><strong><u><span style="font-size:large;">B</span>OB <span style="font-size:large;">"F</span>ATS<span style="font-size:large;">"</span> <span style="font-size:large;">F</span>OTHERGILL</u></strong><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><a href="http://www.sonsofsamhorn.net/wiki/images/1/1b/Fothergill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img r6="true" src="http://www.sonsofsamhorn.net/wiki/images/1/1b/Fothergill.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><br />When the New York Yankees' Leo Durocher first laid eyes on Fothergill, the man they called Fats was digging in at the plate. Durocher called for a time out and made the spectacle of running down from the outfield to the umpire to protest. He yelped "Both those men can't bat at once!" When the inning was up, Fothergill chased Durocher into the Yankees dugout and proceeded to beat him down.<br /><br />He drank hard and lived hard. Legend has it that he once beat Babe Ruth in a drinking contest which is an awful lot like beating Babe Ruth in a whore-mongering contest. Fats also bit an umpire on the hand once, likely mistaking the man for bacon. He ordered steaks by the pallet and was legally classified as a moon. His blood type was "ham".<br /><strong><u><span style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></u></strong><br /><strong><u><span style="font-size:large;">P</span>AUL <span style="font-size:large;">"B</span>IG <span style="font-size:large;">P</span>OISON<span style="font-size:large;">"</span> <span style="font-size:large;">W</span>ANER</u></strong><br /><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><br /><a href="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/751/617/11_paul-waner_display_image.jpg?1299474550" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img r6="true" src="http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/751/617/11_paul-waner_display_image.jpg?1299474550" style="cursor: move;" border="0" width="266" height="320" /></a></div><br /><div style="margin: 0px;"><br /><br /></div><br /><div style="margin: 0px;"><br />It's as though Paul "Big Poison" Waner looked back into the past out at the legacies of great ballplaying drinkers like King Kelly and, having already been shitfaced to begin with, pissed all over their shoes.</div><br /><div style="margin: 0px;">TheDeadballEra.com cites Waner as having <a href="http://www.thedeadballera.com/BeerDrinkersPaulWaner.html">"the sharpest bloodshot eyes in baseball"</a> and the legendary Casey Stengel once said of him,</div><br /><blockquote><strong><span style="font-size:large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;font-size:small;" >"He had to be a very graceful player because he could slide without breaking the bottle in his hip." </span></span></strong></blockquote><br /><strong><u><span style="font-size:large;">L<span style="font-size:small;">EWIS</span> "H</span>ACK<span style="font-size:large;">"</span> <span style="font-size:large;">W</span>ILSON</u></strong><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><a href="http://cdn0.sbnation.com/legacy_images/bleedcubbieblue/images/admin/hackwilson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img r6="true" src="http://cdn0.sbnation.com/legacy_images/bleedcubbieblue/images/admin/hackwilson.jpg" border="0" width="288" height="320" /></a></div><br /><br />Hack Wilson was built like Mr. Incredible after he stopped fighting crime.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><img r6="true" src="http://www.pixar.com/featurefilms/incredibles/images/tale_left.jpg" border="0" /></div><br /><br />He weighed 195 pounds and stood only... holy shit, really? <b>5'6"</b>! Oh my God, that's the best thing I've ever heard. Hack drank, he fought and he played baseball. That was this dude's life. Rumors that he also gave a fuck have since proved to be false.<br /><br />Before playing ball for a living, Hack dropped out of the sixth grade and made $4 a week swinging a sledgehammer. Then his big break came and, ultimately playing with the Cubs, Hack put up simply outstanding numbers. He was also arrested in his first year in Chicago at a speak-easy while trying to escape through a back window. Ostensibly, having gotten stuck like Winnie the Pooh, kicking his teeny tiny little legs in the air.<br /><br />In 1928, he climbed into the grandstands to fight a heckler. In the ensuing chaos, about five thousand people rushed the field. He fought opposing players on the field (like when he walked into the Reds' dugout and pummeled Ray Kolp) as well as off the field (like Pete Donohue, whom he felled at a train station). He was traded only when he fought a pack of reporters.<br /><br />The year he quit drinking, his batting average actually went down substantially. Then he hopped right the fuck back off the wagon in 1930 and managed to hit <i>fifty six </i>home runs and maintain a batting average of .356. He was voted MVP that season by the Baseball Writers Association of America.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span>Jasperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12723658300598891997noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-35256511953125562142011-03-05T18:09:00.000-08:002011-03-05T18:09:52.950-08:00New and Unimproved Four Loko (Red Dye Flavor)First off, wanted to let my readers here know that I'm writing a new blog over at triumphlit.blogspot.com on literature-- similar attitude, slightly different style, but if you dig me here then check it out. <br />
<br />
Welp, Four Loko is back in stores now that they've taken the caffeine out, so college kids are gonna have to go back to just crushing Adderal into vodka for their buzz and I have an excuse to review it again. This time I picked the "fruit punch"--or, as the other side of the label warns, FD&C Red #40-- and thought I'd see if it was just as bad as it was before the retool and remarketing.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www-sul.stanford.edu/depts/spc/exhibits/Images/51large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www-sul.stanford.edu/depts/spc/exhibits/Images/51large.jpg" width="227" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're thinkin' 'Cyclone Beta!'"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>By the way, Karim--who's a chemist-- did some research and found out that the red dye in this drink is made from petroleum. Which is an improvement on its original basis: coal tar. Also, there is a correlation between drinking it and being stupid (that's not a joke, that's actually on its wikipedia page). It's also banned in most of Scandinavia. And look, people say a lot of things about how Scandinavia's a nanny state and don't like freedom, but you can get away with <i>a lot of shit in Scandinavia</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.burzum.org/img/gallery06/big/photo19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.burzum.org/img/gallery06/big/photo19.jpg" width="292" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stabbed a dude 26 times in the skull. Spent 12 years in prison. Less evil than FD&C Red #40.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
It's actually not red--it's pink. It's very much the color of a watermelon Jolly Rancher--the completely artificial, not-appearing-in-nature-fucking-anywhere pink. There's honestly not a lot I can say here beyond that. I'm a believer that booze should really only be the color of grains, wood, or natural plant matter that goes into making it, and the fact that this candy-colored (the candy-colored fail they call the Loko) speaks volumes against it. Loko just shouldn't be, and if you look at it (which, to be honest, requires drinking it out of a glass, which I can't see any reason to do) it instantly becomes apparent that its only goal is to get you drunk while treating you like a child.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_npVuxx3medM/RxqVY0Rqw4I/AAAAAAAACPA/vTCuWaastbY/s400/GaryGlitter_GreatestHits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_npVuxx3medM/RxqVY0Rqw4I/AAAAAAAACPA/vTCuWaastbY/s400/GaryGlitter_GreatestHits.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I will do <i>anything</i> for a Gary Glitter joke.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>God, how did people never figure out what the hell Gary Glitter was? <i>The man looked like a mascot for a sodomy-themed polo team</i>.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
The aroma's strange here. It smells like children's fruit soda and watermelon candy, but it also smells like really skunky, stale malt liquor. It doesn't smell like the two mixed together, but somehow simultaneously both, separately. It's a weird Schrodinger thing where it is both candy-juice and hobo-drank and somehow completely both at the same time. which is, honestly, a pretty accurate prediction of what the drink is. It's multiple things at once, and they're all terrible in unique ways that reveal the sins of all those who consume it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_f3SZ5Tu916o/TEdszoxeFzI/AAAAAAAAROs/HREm-FH-pzU/s400/Philip_K_Dick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_f3SZ5Tu916o/TEdszoxeFzI/AAAAAAAAROs/HREm-FH-pzU/s320/Philip_K_Dick.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Have I told you about the Alien God Hivemind today?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>TASTE (STRAIGHT)</b><br />
Don't take a really big gulp. Don't, <i>for the love of God</i>, swish it around like it was fancy wine. Don't hold it in your mouth, and don't let it get warm<b>.</b><br />
<br />
There is a deep and ancient evil in the core of Four Loko, and all of these things make it bubble to the surface and then claw into your body. The candy sweetness disappears really quickly and there's this spoiled, poisonous bitter flavor like biting into a block of soap. And then it makes you feel ill, not from the bitterness, but from that cold and isolated feeling a wormwood high give you. William Vollmann said that the best thing about absinthe is that it severs the cord that connects the soul to the body and lets you observe yourself in a slow chilled void while still being present. That's here slightly, only you're just disappointed in yourself and you just wanna run away from a body that is increasingly full of Four Loko.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2451/3818776212_e7b628b836.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2451/3818776212_e7b628b836.jpg" width="280" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I asked if he knew how to knife fight and he said, 'have you ever met a gypsy who did not?'"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The lack of caffeine does hurt it here--I remember the last can as being bad, but more fun. The caffeine counteracts that tired sick slowness--which isn't a bad feeling brought about by something tasty, but is godawful here--and you feel lethargic and a little fevery and anaesthetic.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
We made a Four Loko cocktail. We named it the Chernobyl (after the Ukrainian word for wormwood), used sweet vermouth (which used to have wormwood in it, hence <i>vermut</i>), and our old strange Croatian friend Pelinkovac, the cinammon-y wormwood liqueur. If I had absinthe I'd throw it in there too, but let's see how this works with a little lemon, brown sugar and Peychaud's Bitters.<br />
<br />
Well, it looks like Cherry Coke mixed with spit, but it doesn't taste bad. You should never ever make a Four Loko cocktail, but this actually worked. The Pelinkovac's spices added some depth to counterbalance the candy flavor, the vermouth helped to nullify the skunky beer flavor, and the lemon and brown sugar counterbalance the wormwood. Still though, I'd rather taste the ingredients in their own drink, without the Loko around, but if you need to drink Four Loko (like <i>need</i>, like Hans Gruber is holding your family hostage unless you drink it and you're too much of a pussy to stop him), this'll choke it back.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://moviesfilmsmotionpictures.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/hans-gruber.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="206" src="http://moviesfilmsmotionpictures.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/hans-gruber.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"I'm going to count to Four Loko. There will not be a Five Loko."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>For real wormoody flavor we would have used Malort. But seriously, I don't want to drink Malort ever again.<br />
<br />
We then decided to make a Loko Sidecar--substituting the awful for the Cointreau--because we're scholars goddamnit. This, was, well...we renamed it the creeping horror. The brandy isn't sweet enough to negate the bitterness and the lemon doesn't counteract the candy flavor. The whole thing tastes really bitter and not refreshing in the least. I'm just puckered and sick-feeling now. It just makes everything worse, and marks one of the only times I've just disgustedly thrown the remnants of a glass into the sink.Thanks Brandy. Thanks Four Loko.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/9r29nVHY7SA/0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/9r29nVHY7SA/0.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">YAH WELCOME JASPAH.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Welp, they should have left caffeine in. The buzz here is just awful-- slow and unfeeling and the sense of wet steam. What Tom Waits described as "ragwater, bitters, and the ruin." Don't drink Four Loko. I mean, if you're at a party and crazy and a goddam hipster, knock yourself the fuck out, but don't drink it if you wanna have a good quiet evening.<br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>FUCK FOUR LOKO.</b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-89340604849756043642011-02-23T20:03:00.000-08:002011-02-23T20:03:34.010-08:00The American VodkaSo I was feeling really shitty earlier today--no particular reason, just y'know, brain problems. Probably from all the Thunderbird--and I was driving around town blasting the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6IdxfMG3J4">Moon Colony Bloodbath</a> EP to get my head in the right place. And then I found myself in the vicinity of the town's big nice ABC store, which is also the same place I got Pelinkovac, one of the weirdest and most out-of-place things I've ever reviewed.<br />
<br />
And there it was. It was cheaper than Five O' Clock, at like five bucks for a 750 ml bottle--making it twice as alcoholic as and only 50% more expensive than Thunderbird. It had a bizarre, ambiguous name that didn't make any sense. And that label:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://thumbnail.image.rakuten.co.jp/@0_mall/kawachi/cabinet/ikou_20091008/img10161983886.jpg?_ex=250x250&s=0&r=1" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://thumbnail.image.rakuten.co.jp/@0_mall/kawachi/cabinet/ikou_20091008/img10161983886.jpg?_ex=250x250&s=0&r=1" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubjgisuitDw">LET THE EAGLE SOOOOAAAAR</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>(I feel kinda dirty now-- lemme <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGzJ5hTneL0">wash that out</a>). Oh, can I just mention that, of course of course, this was distilled and bottled in Bardstown Kentucky? Yes, it was. Jesus that place is like the Mordor of booze.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
It's clear.<b> </b><b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>BOTTLE</b><br />
First, I wanna say that I don't know if I love that label or fucking hate it. I mean, yes it's really cheesy, but (although you can't see it in that photo), the silver and red on the crest are both reflective. <i>And</i> it's in bas-relief. Plus the fact that the banner in the Eagle's claws says "Quality and Integrity" is fucking hilarious.The colors are mis-aligned though, so they can't print their kickass logo right.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.mikepenn.com/images/eagle_3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="http://www.mikepenn.com/images/eagle_3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-LYH2Gg8yM">Gonna ride a big truck / gonna kick some ass / gonna kick some ass in the USA.</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>I also really hate the name. Americans can make good vodka. We can make fucking amazing vodka-- Tito's holds its own against anything. <i>That's</i> The American Vodka. This is only representative of America around 1799, when our navy was twenty ships and our president so depressed he just left town in the middle of the night.<br />
<br />
The bottle also has a huge, obvious seam in the glass and-- is that a fucking bubble? There's a bubble in the glass. Way to go guys.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
Well, I'll hand The American Vodka this<b>-- </b>it doesn't smell sugary or industrial like a lot of the vodkas I've reviewed. It doesn't smell like much of anything.<br />
<br />
Oh, apart from the alcohol of course. That's there. Is it ever. TAV makes up for not having any real aroma by smelling roughly like 100% alcohol. Just taking a strong huff makes me woozy and tingly.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://zitotalking.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/sniffing_glue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://zitotalking.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/sniffing_glue.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Looks like I picked the wrong fucking vodka.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>TASTE (STRAIGHT)</b><br />
<b> </b>There is...there is something definitely weird going on here. There's a little sweetness, and a lot of chemical flavor, but there's some other thing going on. Like America, its true core is elusive. There's... it's a little bit like broccoli? I think?<br />
<br />
It's kind of...creamy, I guess. A little buttery. Like a broccoli-croissant sandwich, which actually sounds delicious, but not in alcohol form. Putting on ice lessens the burn and brings that more to the forefront, but it also makes this weird bitter note more apparent. Like...spoiled milk, I think.<br />
<br />
I'm not gonna lie, this shit is weird as hell.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.rehupa.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/hplovecraftpz0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.rehupa.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/hplovecraftpz0.jpg" width="210" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Weird like the Polish."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It doesn't taste like vodka, to be honest. It's too tart, too creamy, too herbal. It tastes like some new kind of liquor which no one ever invented because buttered-sprouts-with-lemon-aquavit is a godawful idea. I don't even know what's going on here, but it does taste vaguely like milk and vegetables. So...healthy?<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
My girlfriend got me a nice martini shaker with recipes engraved on it for Christmas. She only just got it to me recently, because that's how she rolls, but hey. It's a good gift, and she knows me well. And I just fuckin' defiled it to see how this would taste with lime.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_X3lNYc1hcaE/TGsIJJpY3NI/AAAAAAAAAxU/_eQ28v8s8_U/s1600/232980-jar_jar_binks_large.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_X3lNYc1hcaE/TGsIJJpY3NI/AAAAAAAAAxU/_eQ28v8s8_U/s320/232980-jar_jar_binks_large.jpeg" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What I did.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b> </b>Well, lime, brown sugar, splash of water. It's <i>supposed</i> to be a great mixology secret for how to make anything drinkable (also how to make a caipirinha), but man, it just does not work here. The lime mostly covers up The American Vodka's flavor, but what remains (namely, the creaminess) is just awful alongside the lime. It's like Thucydides's theory about the Peloponnesian War (later applied by Cold War historians)-- in any conflict in which the winning side has two powerful, yet opposed forces (Athens and Sparta, USA and USSR, lime and creamy vodka), they will restructure the world and instantly be in conflict as soon as the reason for their alliance is defeated.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.henryjacksonsociety.org/henryjacksonsociety/hjsuserfiles/image/thucydides.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.henryjacksonsociety.org/henryjacksonsociety/hjsuserfiles/image/thucydides.jpg" width="285" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thucydides, more like Thu-bitch-y-please.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
The American Vodka, like America, is pretty unique. But it's also like Howard Zinn's America, in that it's pretty shitty. Honestly though, for its price, you could do a lot worse. It's probably the best non-flavored vodka I've reviewed. Although I don't know. I think the flavor might be...Eldritch?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://listicles.thelmagazine.com/wp-content/upload/baldeaglepatriot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://listicles.thelmagazine.com/wp-content/upload/baldeaglepatriot.jpg" width="207" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Or maybe freedom.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-22266614742108536272011-02-05T21:45:00.000-08:002011-02-05T21:45:46.950-08:00Mogen David BlackberryThis is it, people. I didn't even know they still made this. But I turned a corner in the grocery and there it was.<br />
<br />
Mogen David wine.<br />
<br />
This is an important thing. Mogen David went on to become MD 20/20, but when it was this it was just kosher table wine. Kosher table wine that became well-known for sweetness and cheapness. And so became popular among poor folk. And so it became hobo-wine, back in the 30s and 40s.<br />
<br />
This is the first bumwine. This is where it all began. This is the prequel to the legacy this entire blog lives to uphold-- or, well, experience. You have no idea what a treat this is for me: the label says that it's America's Classic Wine and in a way, it's right. Mogen David-- there's a legacy here and I'm so proud to bring it to you. Now let's see if it's as awful as its children.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.nateomedia.com/portfolio/albums/old-work/nateomedia_1999_AsILayDying_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.nateomedia.com/portfolio/albums/old-work/nateomedia_1999_AsILayDying_01.jpg" width="198" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>As I Lay Dying </i>is a hell of a book.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I should point out this actually our second bottle-- the first slipped out of the back and shattered on the sidewalk. The beer and scotch did not, and they hit it just as hard. I guess they just wanted to live more. Gee, I wonder why.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
It looks a <i>faaaaair</i> bit like red wine, but not exactly. Like a lot of the MD brand, it seems close, but just a little off from how wine should. It's the uncanny valley effect, but applied to alcohol. We are most repulsed by something that seems not different, but wrong.<b> </b><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://brutalgamer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/heavy-rain-trailer-shot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="http://brutalgamer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/heavy-rain-trailer-shot.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, what about <i>Heavy Rain isn't</i> creepy and off-putting? Well, except for the things that try to be. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>There's a more purpley tinge here, which I think is because it's supposed to blackberry. But it still looks like it <i>should</i> be red wine. It's halfway between the two, and so, y;know, failure. So I guess it definitely fits into that part of its legacy well. Congrats Mogen David. You do not disappoint as far as disappointing utterly goes.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
Not at all like wine. It smells really sweet, but there's no bitterness or acridity to the scent, which would normally be good. But wine's supposed to have a tinge or sourness to it, which is completely lacking from this. There's a really strong beer flavor to the odor, which I suspect is mostly the aroma of yeast. It does smell a little vegetative though, or a little fruity. Like sweet potatoes, I guess. What I'm saying is that this blackberry wine smells like neither blackberries nor wine.Yet another in the series of curious failures that make up Mogen David. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.rumproast.com/images/uploads/heavens_gate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.rumproast.com/images/uploads/heavens_gate.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a <i>Heaven's Gate</i> joke.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>TASTE (STRAIGHT)</b><br />
<b> </b>I can safely say that the creation of the first batch of Mogen David in 1933 was, while <i>the</i> definitive lowpoint, certainly <i>a </i>lowpoint of the Jewish community in 1933.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.babble.com/famecrawler/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/mel-gibson-crazy-beard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.babble.com/famecrawler/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/mel-gibson-crazy-beard.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Gutrotter welcomes its first celebrity follower.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It doesn't taste outright unpleasant, actually. It's definitely drinkable. But it mostly tastes like a generic "fruit" flavor. Not grapes, not blackberry. Like just, if you fermented generic "fruit juice," into not-very-good kosher table wine. (How do you make wine not kosher? Do you drain the juice out of the grapes inhumanely? Do you get horses to stamp it down? Do you have the juice agitated by shrimp?)<br />
<br />
It doesn't taste wretched-- it's about twice as good as MD 20/20 but it's also only half as alcoholic. And let's face it, you're not spending 3.50 on wine so you can savor it.<br />
<br />
Also, there's something vaguely eggy to it. So make of that what you will. What I make of it is a flashing sign saying WHAT THE FUCK?<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
The back of the bottle suggests mixing it with something, and what we have is orange juice. Normally we would call this a screwdriver. But that's the name of a neo-nazi punk band and this is Kosher wine, so we're gonna call it a Jewdriver. And well, sorry jews because I think we just<b> </b>did the neo-nazis a favor on this one because it tastes bad.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TU4zyJjLVqI/AAAAAAAAAGc/RdFphNigd1c/s1600/bingo.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="171" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TU4zyJjLVqI/AAAAAAAAAGc/RdFphNigd1c/s320/bingo.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ya...ya just say bingo.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Mixing with orange juice just amplifies the generic fruit flavors, but it doesn't really change the wine that much. It tastes almost the same, just watered down and, well, bitter. Really, driving down to the cold hard core of the fact, this is what makes it even bumwine-ier. You can't hide it or bury it. It is Mogen David. Like the people it was made for, it endures and continues, it inspires an entire culture. Only, y'know, the equivalent here is Woody Allen marrying his daughter.<br />
<br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
I just wanna say I'm proud of keeping the Jew jokes to a minimum here. That's why I've never reviewed Manischevitz: I don't trust myself. Also my friend Emma drank like half this bottle. What the fuck is wrong with her.<b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-8319803042029689102011-02-04T15:35:00.000-08:002011-02-04T15:35:23.533-08:00Burnett's Sweet Tea VodkaWell, before we tear into the meat of this review (the meat is awful-- I think it might be people), a bit of housekeeping.<br />
<br />
1. Gutrotter's gonna be on a more sporadic schedule from now on. I'm not living with a roommate anymore, so there's a lot less potential for fun times when I'm drinking terrible things and these reviews are a lot sadder when I'm just in my room drinking and listening to the Mountain Goats version of "The Boys Are Back in Town."<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUx8MxVoEHI/AAAAAAAAAGM/jCX3eJ-It3E/s1600/advicegoat+MARRAKESH.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUx8MxVoEHI/AAAAAAAAAGM/jCX3eJ-It3E/s320/advicegoat+MARRAKESH.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mostly I just spend my time making these.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>2. I've got <i>another</i> review coming tomorrow night as well. This is in part to make up for a lack of activity and in part because I found...well I found something. I don't wanna tell you what it is. It was one of those magical moments when I discover something I didn't even know existed but can tell you with 100% certainty is going to be absolutely god-awful. Like when you first learn there's a country named Uzbekistan and you don't even need to see pictures to know it's sad.<br />
<br />
3. I've mentioned this to a couple people in person, but the Gutrotter's shutting down in a few months' time, after I graduate. There a few reasons for this. Once I'm out of college I can't keep doing this to my body guiltlessly, I wanna finish up on a high note instead of dragging the blog on after I've run out of things to say, and, finally, I'm actually starting to straight run out of things I can easily get my hands on that would be fun to review. I'm gonna try and have a big blowout for the last post and round up the worst offenders for people to sample, and when all this is over I'm definitely gonna put all the reviews into an e-book or something with introductions and commentary. But we got a few months before then, so let's buckle down.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.artnet.com/artwork_images/423991310/256893.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="205" src="http://images.artnet.com/artwork_images/423991310/256893.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, writing all that made me feel like a real journalist. (That's a very young Hunter Thompson, by the way).</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Some friends recently were partying, and there was a bottle of this vodka there. This sweet tea vodka. And, despite the fact that it was mostly empty by the time it passed into my hands, there was apparently a unanimous agreement that I had to try it (I was not there. I was watching <i>Robocop</i>). This is never, ever, a good sign-- my friends aren't exactly snobs about alcohol, so when there is unanimous agreement among people that I need to do an article it ends badly. This also happened with Johnny Bootlegger. And, these are the same people that I have, repeatedly, coerced into drinking banana liqueur, Thunderbird, and Kentucky Gentleman. I wouldn't blame them for having it out for me.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
I don't even know why I'm bothering with this section. For starters, it's vodka-- I know it's flavored, but if your vodka has color <i>fuck you I'm not drinking your vodka</i>. But it does have color-- except that the back label says "caramel color added." So fuck it, just... just fuck it. There is literally nothing this section could contribute to the review, so have a couple illustrations I've wanted to use but never found a place for:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUx_7iEzrTI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/9nkLxzkJU2c/s1600/DBoyWheelerPhoto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUx_7iEzrTI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/9nkLxzkJU2c/s320/DBoyWheelerPhoto.jpg" width="239" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUyAKpYqVRI/AAAAAAAAAGU/3425fo2QWbI/s1600/PowerPuffGirls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUyAKpYqVRI/AAAAAAAAAGU/3425fo2QWbI/s320/PowerPuffGirls.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><b> </b>You're welcome. Seriously, you have no idea how frustrating it's been not being able to use those, they're both so wonderful. I guess the top one would have been good in my Old Mill Stream / Sonic Underground review but hey, as Samuel Beckett would say, Worstward Ho!<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/%7Eculttv/scottbak.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/%7Eculttv/scottbak.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No no no, Sam<i>uel</i> Beckett.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>NOSE</b><br />
Well, it does smell kinda like sweet tea. I can go back-and-forth on sweet tea: sometimes it's really what I'm in the mood for (especially when half of it is lemonade. Or rum), but other times when it's not made well it tastes like pancake syrup.<br />
<b> </b><br />
I do not go back-and-forth on the way this smells. It smells like sugar mostly. And a little tea. But not, y'know, <i>Russian</i> tea. Just like, hotel-brand breakfast tea. Also what the fucking fuck according to the label it was made in Bardstown KY?! Fuck you Bardstown, and fuck Riva, Kentucky Gentleman, Mill Stream, and everything else that oozes out of you. I'm tempted to just do a review of Bardstown (in terza rima, 33 cantos), but, as Samuel Beckett once said, it's never the same pus from moment to moment.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://playback.iamhuman.co.uk/assets/images/0001/7184/quantum-leap-starring-scott-bakula-as-doctor-sam-beckett.jpg?1235656097" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://playback.iamhuman.co.uk/assets/images/0001/7184/quantum-leap-starring-scott-bakula-as-doctor-sam-beckett.jpg?1235656097" width="209" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">God damn it, I'm talking about the Irish one.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyway this smells like bad sweet tea and bad vodka, which I imagine makes it pretty much the best representative of the glorious culture of Bardstown. Also, can I just not that the label for this bottle has like, five tea leaves and giant fucking <i>pile</i> of sugar on it? Yeah, they know how their flavors are balanced.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE</b> (<b>STRAIGHT)</b><br />
Fuck, it's so much worse than I thought it would be. Now I know how the president felt in 2007. Jesus.<br />
<b> </b><br />
It doesn't taste like bad sweet tea. It tastes like bad vodka and sugar. Not even good sugar. It tastes like a couple packets of sweet 'n' low in a bottle of Riva. There's a little bit of what might be tea there, but, here, lemme take another taste-- no, no it mostly tastes like coffee grounds and sugar.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b234/ZombieMuppet/Coffee2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b234/ZombieMuppet/Coffee2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fuck, I gotta stop making David Lynch jokes. I promise, more Alejandro Jodorowsky jokes in the future.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There's a real bitterness in it too, despite how sugary it is. Like, after drinking some I really want a big glass of water. It's the same effect as if you leave tea steeping too long, which just drives home the fact that this doesn't just taste like bad tea, it tastes like <i>bad tea made badly</i>. Mixed with bad vodka and bad sugar. There's layers upon layers of incompetence here, all influencing each other. It's like if instead of being a surrealist, Max Ernst was just all-around shitty.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l4mlalEDJY1qa4s0qo1_r1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l4mlalEDJY1qa4s0qo1_r1_500.jpg" width="233" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's called culture.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Like, no one thing about this is god-awful. But they blend together perfectly, interlocking into sort of a buckyball, but instead of carbon, it's... actually, it does legitimately taste kinda burnt. Somehow.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
I poured some Triple Sec in the bottle. It dilutes the bad flavors and replaces them with orange. All in all, this is a more bearable, slightly less alcoholic way to get this shit into your body.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUyNCuK4tEI/AAAAAAAAAGY/qQuTaxHwA4g/s1600/poison+delivery.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TUyNCuK4tEI/AAAAAAAAAGY/qQuTaxHwA4g/s1600/poison+delivery.png" /></a></div> <b> FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Don't drink this shit. Get some mediocre vodka and get a jug of sweet tea. It will be cheaper and better.<br />
<b> </b><br />
Don't do that either.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-76158371881143769692011-01-23T18:40:00.000-08:002011-01-23T18:40:54.765-08:00E&J "Temptation" Cream LiqueurYou know what E&J stands for? Ernest and Julio. "But Jasper," you ask? "Who are Ernest and Julio? Are they brothers? They sound like brothers. Do they go and have adventures together? They're like Mario and Luigi, right? Adventurous Italian brothers who love each other?"<br />
<br />
Ernest and Julio Gallo.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tvsquad.com/media/2006/12/dexter-s01e12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tvsquad.com/media/2006/12/dexter-s01e12.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So, you know, their adventures are really more on par with these brothers. <br />
Oh, uh, spoiler warning for those of you reading this from 2005.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I have a history with Gallo, in the way that Eastern Europe has a history with Kalashnikovs. Thunderbird. Night Train. Their execrable vermouth. Gallo are people who don't fuck around in the game of putting disgusting things in my body. Ernest and Julio Gallo started making wine because there wasn't a market for the tears of infants. The proper cheese to accompany Gallo wine is something a step below Kraft singles individually shrink-wrapped American. They make the perfect thing for sitting at home, opening a bottle by yourself and having a quiet night in, when that home is a refrigerator box and it's quiet because Cat-eye Dave put a screwdriver in your ears because you thought his pressed tinfoil collection was trash.<br />
<br />
So let's see how they do with their thing-that-should-be-a-bottle-of-Bailey's.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
It looks like non-dairy creamer, which, let's be honest, is probably what it's made with. Come to think of it, I wonder how veganism looks on cream liqueur like this. Well, I mean, hopefully they frown on this specific brand, but I don't know-- vegans keep buying shit from American Apparel too, and if massive sponsorship of anti-gay groups won't turn 'em off of something I doubt knowing that the forces behind Thunderbird profit from it would.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.purejeevan.com/video/blogpix/082110-toddvegan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://www.purejeevan.com/video/blogpix/082110-toddvegan.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The other 90% of your brain is curds and whey.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b> </b>It's a lot lighter than Bailey's is. Instead of looking like a blend of whiskey and cream, it's more of a sort of gray milk. It's just kinda gross-looking: rather than like a thing-within-itself (hey there Kant!), it looks like a spoiled version of something else.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
What the fuck this smells like grape soda. Like, almost exactly. Now, this might be expected because I think it has brandy in it and brandy is made of grapes, but <i>it doesn't smell like grapes, it smells like grape soda</i>. With a lot of the weird hiccups and deformities of the things I review, it's a matter of deficiencies or deliberate cost-cutting measures. But the only explanation for this is that Gallo was producing some kind of industrial grape-related runoff from the Thunderbird factory and, knowing that releasing it into the environment would be disastrous and reporting it to the government would have them erased by a wetworks team, they decided to mask it under the other flavors in a liqueur they thought no one would buy.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://futuramania.cz/users/gallery/trdavid/Profesor_Farnsworth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://futuramania.cz/users/gallery/trdavid/Profesor_Farnsworth.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Ernest Gallo, still alive due to his ability to feed off of pain.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Or it might just be the corn syrup and caramel that I'm sure this is loaded with. Both equally likely.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (Straight)</b><br />
Well, at least the nose doesn't mislead. This pretty much tastes exactly like non-dairy creamer mixed with packets of artificial sugar. With a splash of alcohol in it. In other words, this is just a cocktail of what your basic office worker could put together between the communal supply in the fridge and the secret supply in the back of his desk.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://wehavebeards.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/704283-don-draper.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://wehavebeards.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/704283-don-draper.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's a lot less charming when you wear a polo shirt and your charismatic speeches are passive-aggressive hints to Donna that you know she ate the cookies in your lunch.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There should be a special mention of how alcoholic it tastes, though-- it's only 15%, but taking a full shot of this is hard. In part it's because the flavors don't marry well, so the alcohol's sharpness really comes through unmitigated. And that sourness shouldn't really be in a cream liqueur at all. When I'm drinking a tall glass of milk, the last thing I wanna think is "mmmm...tangy."<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (Mixed)</b><br />
Well, I decided to make a <a href="http://12bottlebar.com/2010/10/29/the-jack-torrance/#more-2092">Jack Torrance</a> with it.<b> </b>Technically you're supposed to use advocaat, which has eggs in it, but technically you're not supposed to drink anything Gallo makes. So drop a dollop of rye whiskey into that glass of shitcreme and let's see how it goes down.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Sdhg9oA0Q9Q/S_rGbGsujtI/AAAAAAAAAaY/LuGgy41_wv0/s1600/ShiningBar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Sdhg9oA0Q9Q/S_rGbGsujtI/AAAAAAAAAaY/LuGgy41_wv0/s320/ShiningBar.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is a fucking great idea, lemme tell you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Eurgh. Worse than expected. It actually tastes legitimately spoiled, somehow. I thought it would just be like whiskey and cream, but no, this metastasized into a special kind of awful. I don't think it actually curdled anything, but the Temptation was already too sour and didn't have enough of a cream flavor to it, so when you combine it with a really sharp whiskey it tastes simultaneously milky and sour.<br />
<br />
I'm just gonna throw the rest in the sink, because drinking it makes me taste kinda legitimately queasy. So this has failed conclusively at mixing, which cream liqueur should be able to do, since nobody wants a straight glass of that. Congrats, Gallo. You failed the easiest test on this blog harder than anything else I've reviewed. I honestly feel kinda sick now. I'm gonna get a cold glass of water. Fuck you Gallo, and why don't you hold on to that Fuck you for a while because you're gonna need anytime anyone drinks what you make.<br />
<br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Gallo, did it ever occur to you that people use the word temptation to refer to things <i>they know they shouldn't touch?</i><b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-15465814820886544062011-01-11T17:28:00.000-08:002011-01-11T17:28:55.505-08:00Triumphant Return / MalortWell will you look at that, I'm alive. Where ya been Jasper? Screw you I been busy. I got problems, and also I had a lot of final exams and then I was in Europe for three weeks. But I'm back, and I brought something special.<br />
<br />
I had Gammel Dansk (Danish), Becherovka (Czech), Pineau des Charentes (Charentes region, France), Violette liqueur (Paris), scotch and cognac in their respective nations. It was all pretty good stuff, and I celebrated Hogmanny with a Scottish Nationalist.<br />
<br />
And then I come back to America. To a Swedish drink only popular in Chicago, a sad town that may or may not exist. A drink that no normal human would ever enjoy drinking.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3542/3646377184_5bc5f764f7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3542/3646377184_5bc5f764f7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, I don't see how this disproves anything I said.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But I figured I'd make p for my absence with something special. Something that even the maker knows is infamous. The makers of it themselves say that:<br />
<br />
"Most first-time drinkers of Jeppson Malort reject our liquor. Its strong, sharp taste is not for everyone. Our liquor is rugged and unrelenting (even brutal) to the palate. During almost 60 years of American distribution, we found only 1 out of 49 men will drink Jeppson Malort. During the lifetime of our founder, Carl Jeppson was apt to say, 'My Malort is produced for that unique group of drinkers who disdain light flavor or neutral spirits.'<br />
<br />
<blockquote> </blockquote>It is not possible to forget our two-fisted liquor. The taste just lingers and lasts - seemingly forever. The first shot is hard to swallow! PERSERVERE [sic]. Make it past two 'shock-glasses' and with the third you could be ours...forever"<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.brooklynvegan.com/img/music2/mardukfan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.brooklynvegan.com/img/music2/mardukfan.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jesus christ, fucking Sweden, what the fuck.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> And yes, as the copy-pasted note from Wikipedia points out, they did misspell that shit. And they're proud of the fact that only 2% of men would enjoy their vile brew. Meaning 1% of the general population-- slightly <i>less</i> than the percentage of the population who actively suffer from schizophrenia. You know. The lucky ones.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://moviesfilmsmotionpictures.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/apocalypse-brando2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://moviesfilmsmotionpictures.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/apocalypse-brando2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The people who drink Malort...they think they're sane. Only you and I know the truth, and we are mad as well.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Anyway. Malort is made from wormwood, which I'm no stranger to, but usually as an element of absinthe or pelinkovac or... four loko. But not by itself. This is the liquor equivalent of "I love a good curry...let's eat some curry powder out of a spoon." Only, you know, it tastes like <a href="http://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/shot-of-malort-hold-the-grimace/Content?oid=1098569">"baby tears and gasoline"</a>. Which, let's be honest-- this was made for me. It is perfect for this blog. To be honest, I'm not sure there's anything I've <i>wanted</i> to drink more. But being perfect for me doesn't mean it's <i>good</i>.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://monsterbook.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/Amigara.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="316" src="http://monsterbook.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/Amigara.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spoiler: this comic doesn't end well.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>LOOK</b><br />
<b> </b>Kinda...beige. It looks a lot like original flavor listerine, or kinda like wood polish. But not the healthy brown that good wood-aged liquors have. Kind of sickly and phlegmy. It's not a color that food should naturally be, it's a color that appears vaguely spoiled. Like boiled millipedes. That's what Malort really should be-- some weird alchemical ingredient. Like "take an alcohol and wormwood solution and mix in equal parts with quicksilver and cod semen. Drink. You will see a man of silver who shall move the colors for you."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.britannica.com/blogs/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/newton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.britannica.com/blogs/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/newton.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That last bit's not even made up. Isaac Newton believed that shit. AND NOW YOU BEEN EDUCATED LEMME GET THAT SWEET NPR MONEY.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>NOSE</b><br />
This smells the most legitimately poisonous out of anything I've had. A strong overlay of rubbing alcohol, with notes of paint thinner, acetone, and--for a bit of the more fruity flavor--model glue. It mostly just smells incredibly chemical. There's very little natural to this, which is weird as it's made from plants. In the same way that I suppose a sack of ants is natural. Hooooo boy. Not looking forward to this. Not one bit.<br />
<b> </b><br />
<b>TASTE (STRAIGHT)</b><br />
IT DOESN'T GO AWAY FUCK I HAD THAT SHOT LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO AND IT STILL LINGERS STRONGER THAN BEFORE.<br />
<br />
<b> </b>It is so much worse than I thought, my best unbeaten brothers. It tastes like awful vodka when it goes into your mouth and then as it goes away it gets worse. Incredibly bad vodka. Like, Riva bad. And then holy shit the aftertaste. It's incredibly bitter. And it hangs in the back of your throat exactly like bile. I know I've compared stuff to vomit before on this blog but I'm not even using metaphors here. It legitimately tastes like seasick bile on the back of my tongue, and like rubber on the front. Like bad meat and an angry robot who just grabs you by the hair and will not get its robochode off your gag reflex, cause it don't give a fuck about you, robot's horny tonight.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://sleevage.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/appetitefordestruction.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://sleevage.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/appetitefordestruction.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like if you could liquify this and just suck the slurry out of a turkey baster.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Look, just look how miserable we were. Just look. You know whatever's in our mouth don't taste good.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TSz6ZDmIVJI/AAAAAAAAAGE/bAoEh2Jc5yM/s1600/grmalortface.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="116" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TSz6ZDmIVJI/AAAAAAAAAGE/bAoEh2Jc5yM/s320/grmalortface.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's your Gutrotter christmas card, right there. Malorty holidort.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I am told (TOLD, by someone else, not me, who only had a couple drops, and I cannot validate) that it tastes like chewing a used condom. I can see that. I can see it really--<br />
<br />
Anyway, the organic, non-chemical burn flavor here tastes a lot like actual wood, like just chowing down on something you found in the woods. I'm reminded of a line from a poem, from the wonderfully bitter and clever Tony Hoagland:<br />
"...with a wife whose lack of love for me<br />
is like a lack of oxygen,<br />
and this dead thing in my chest<br />
that used to be my heart.<br />
<br />
Oh, if he were alive, I would tell him, "Dad,<br />
you were right! I ate a lot of stuff<br />
far worse than bugs."<br />
<br />
And I was eaten, I was eaten,<br />
I was picked up<br />
and chewed<br />
and swallowed<br />
<br />
down into the belly of the world."<br />
<br />
That's right. Malort tastes like the pulp that comes out when you a crush a soul in the machinery of the modern life, like misery itself. I don't even need metaphors anymore, I and every other poet with an inheritance of depression and a drinking problem and a habit for hurting women can pack up because the swedes can make you feel it in your gut.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.notablebiographies.com/images/uewb_10_img0738.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.notablebiographies.com/images/uewb_10_img0738.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Even--" Fuck off Billy you too.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
Yep, we're making a cocktail out of this. I figure, with the perseverance of the killer cracking open a Glade plugin to cover up the stink of his mother's body in the crawlspace, that it might help hide it. Inspired by a Malort-based cocktail called <a href="http://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/the-great-malort-challenge/Content?oid=1098573">The Bukowski</a>, I decided to create a similar concoction.<b> </b>It's not named after a Chicagoan, but after a writer who, like Bukowski, dealt with the everyday life and its impact on the soul, who was a working schlub with a deep dark heart of bitterness. And who screamed so much it damaged his throat, which seems only fitting (by the way, it's been like half an hour and the taste lingers like guilt). Ladies and gentlemen, say hi to the Pekar.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://crosshatch.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/harveypekar2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://crosshatch.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/harveypekar2.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I collect bad experiences, Harv. I don't suggest you try it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>The Pekar</b><br />
1.5 oz.<b> </b>Malort<br />
1 oz. Drambuie<br />
.5 oz Basil/Rosemary vodka<br />
<br />
The vodka's homemade-- just soak a wad of basil leaves and a couple sprigs of rosemary in a mason jar with vodka for about a day, more if you want it stronger. I figure the herbs should complement each other and the honey in the drambuie should overpower the bitterness. And might I suggest going real heavy on the ice, and then getting someone else to drink it?<br />
<br />
Welp, the Pekar is made and ready, let's see how it goes down.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.pajiba.com/assets_c/2010/07/harvey-pekar-thumb-260x204-12121.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.pajiba.com/assets_c/2010/07/harvey-pekar-thumb-260x204-12121.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yum!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Fuck, it's like the bit at the end of a horror movie where you think they might get out and then the killer comes back and the harpoon they put in him just made him mad. Only Jamie Lee Curtis ain't getting out. Nothing stops Malort. You can't keep a bad taste down any more than you can your dinner after Malort.<br />
<br />
See, the problem lies in underestimating my enemy here. The Drambuie, rosemary/basil, and the bad vodka flavor all marry fairly well-- in fact, I may have discovered a pretty winning combination in the Drambuie and herbal vodka, and I'd imagine they'd go well with some gin or especially genever. But they're both fairly light on aftertaste. You know, the worst part of the whole experience. It's like invading a country in a fairly turbulent, incredibly diverse region: you might defeat the army there pretty well, but good luck making a country out of it afterwards.<br />
<br />
The aftertaste remains no matter how much delicious honey, rich scotch, and carefully made homemade liqueur I mix it with. Nothing dilutes it, nothing overwhelms it. It endures like time and the relentless march of entropy into a world that is cold, so cold, and so devoid of anything except the flavor of cold rubber and the struggle in the dark to keep my meal down.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/2164100798_ba586bf9cd_896.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="263" src="http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/2164100798_ba586bf9cd_896.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Too late. Too late. Too late. Too late. Too lort. Ta lort. Malort.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
If you ever have a chance to drink Malort, don't turn it down. Yes, it's awful-- probably the worst thing I've ever tasted for this blog. It's miserable, it malicious, it's malorty. But it's incredibly unique, and it induces a disgust and horror I've never had from alcohol before. It's kind of like the raw cobra heart of liquor: is it tasty NO, is it actually good in any way NO, but should I have one WHY THE FUCK NOT. Yes, your mouth will taste like a tire fire for an hour afterwards, but hey, on the plus side...well, you get the experience of your mouth tasting like a tire fire.<br />
<b> </b><br />
And here at The Gutrotter, we hold that experience is worth it. Still holy fuck that was terrible fuck everyone who said I should do it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-45228875711660601032010-11-12T18:21:00.000-08:002010-11-12T18:21:43.497-08:00Old Mill Stream Whiskey"Where ya been, Jasper?" is what you're thinking. You've missed me. I understand how it goes. I've been really busy with exams and papers lately is what's up with that. Also, it's been a solid month and a half since I reviewed any hard liquor, which is also a bit of a problem-- I founded this proud/awful blog to wreck my body and find the worst sources of drunkenness, not to tackle malt liquor and vermouth.<br />
<br />
But here I am. I have emerged, like a monster from the wilderness, and I have brought Hell with me.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://jurgenfauth.com/wp-content/uploads/aguirre2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://jurgenfauth.com/wp-content/uploads/aguirre2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>So I'm walking through my friendly local liquor store, trying to figure out what can wreck me tonight that's not some dirt-cheap flavored liqueur, because those aren't nearly as fun. And then I see this, and, under it, the label reading $3.70. Whiskey is NEVER that cheap. Never. Kentucky Gentleman was only half whiskey, and it was five and a half bucks for a bottle the same size. And I find myself wondering, "what the fucking cock is so bad about this that they have to sell it for 2/3 the price of the Gentleman.?"<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TN3b7C_frGI/AAAAAAAAAF8/hwZdF8HUEB8/s1600/Photo_00011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TN3b7C_frGI/AAAAAAAAAF8/hwZdF8HUEB8/s320/Photo_00011.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
20 percent Kentucky whiskey. 80 percent neutral spirits. This is less than half what Kentucky Gentleman was. And it's made in Bardstown, KY-- the home of Gentleman and my old nemesis, Riva-- so there's a good chance this bottle is just half gentleman, half everclear.<br />
<br />
This is less percent whiskey than a Manhattan. Than a whiskey sour. <i>Than a Jack and Coke</i>. This isn't whiskey, this is a goddamn hillbilly cocktail . This is what a prospector would break out for fancy occasions.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images1.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Stinky-Pete-Toy-Story-2-disney-villains-1038360_1024_576.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://images1.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/Stinky-Pete-Toy-Story-2-disney-villains-1038360_1024_576.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not even a classy prospector, too.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>LOOK</b><br />
The color's kinda weird. It's not too light-- whiskey can get to be pretty light in color without being bad (Glenlivet looks like honey), but there is something off with this. It's not as red as bourbon or as light as speyside, but somewhere uncomfortably in the middle. Sort of an orange-y color. It looks like butterscotch more than anything else.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
This smells almost exactly like the faux-moonshine I reviewed back in September. Same shivery strength, same really pungent burn. Only it's sweeter, but not that gentle corn sweetness of good bourbon. Nonono, this is a more clearly artificial, fruity sweetness. It smells like moonshine and ketchup.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://gary2idaho.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/reagan-on-horseback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://gary2idaho.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/reagan-on-horseback.jpg" width="249" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Which means it's healthy!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b> TASTE</b><br />
Okay, so the roommate and I are supplementing this with another review. We're watching <i>Sonic Underground</i>, which is to my childhood what Mill Stream is to booze. Which is to say, sodomy. By which I mean we're getting swervy and watching terrible television that makes us angry. It's sort of how we spend our Fridays.<br />
<b> </b><br />
For starters, this whisky has kind of a syrupy warmth to it, which makes the sweet part of the flavor seem really artificial-- like it's just moonshine with butterscotch dribbled into it. Also, Maurice Lamarche is all over this show-- it was in the lull between Pinky and the Brain and Futurama, so one of the greatest voice actors in animation is reduced to playing every third character on the worst crime out of many that the Sonic franchise ever committed.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.manicthehedgehog.com/images/Manicfore.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.manicthehedgehog.com/images/Manicfore.gif" width="260" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A show in which this character wasn't just smashed to the ground at birth.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The three main characters (including a <i>woman</i>) are all voiced by Urkel and they fight with the power of rock (like, keytar-that-shoots-lasers style), which means that we have a tri-urkel musical number once an episode. An imitation of late-90s pop rock by corporate hacks. Also, this whiskey is seriously terrible. I wish I'd mustered up the extra two bucks for KY Gentleman, that's how bad it is. It's really sour, like the unaged corn whiskey was, but it's worse-- both because it's clearly starting with inferior <i>pure neutral spirits</i> and because they try and cover that up with really sweet, syrupy awful-whiskey.<br />
<br />
One of the nicest things about whiskey--especially Kentucky whiskey--is the smokiness you get from wood aging and, in some cases, smoking or charcoal filtration. It's why Maker's 46 can charge ten bucks more a bottle and Laphroaig tastes like angel paste.There's none of that here. Mill Stream just tastes like grain alcohol mixed with corn syrup. It's missing the point as completely as if you made a Sonic the Hedgehog show that tried to be more cool and edgy and have more <i>ATTITUDE</i> than the original Sonic <i>HEY THEY DID THAT</i>. Man, between this and the <i>Neverending Story</i> sequels there really is nothing left of my childhood.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.sonicgear.org/USAPages/USAClothesClass/DudeWithTudeShirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.sonicgear.org/USAPages/USAClothesClass/DudeWithTudeShirt.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I had socks with this on them when I was seven, no lie. God, I was uncool. Not like now, where I'm spending my friday night with my roommate drinking and watching cartoons.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>When I was a kid and I first had a chili dog, I was disappointed. That's the same feeling this brings up in me. I trusted Sonic then, and I trust whiskey now. And where did they lead me? To Mill Stream and to a Werehog.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
Mixed it with some Dr. Lynn-- the western-NC knockoff of Dr. Pepper that is okay-- and, well, not really very good. Since there's not much flavor to Mill Stream but corn-syrup sweetness and the alcohol burn is fairly strong, it doens't really taste that different. The bad bad bad sweetness of the whiskey merges with the sugar in the soda and the alcohol overpowers the rest of the flavor, and the end result just tastes like you watered down the whiskey. This stuff is so bad that you can't even mix it. It's like how Sonic 2006 had Havok physics but was so fundamentally broken you couldn't even tell. Jesus christ it's amazing I didn't grow up to be sadder.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/IMG_0678.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/IMG_0678.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just picture them holding a copy of <i>Absalom, Absalom!, </i>a glass of brandy, and that been-up-reading tousled Professor hair and you'll have a notion of what I narrowly skirted.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Don't let my ranting about what a SHITASSCLUSTERFUCK Sonic has become distract you-- this is terrible whiskey. If you want cheap whiskey, get the Gentleman-- or shit, get Canadian Club, it's actually about as expensive as the gentleman but is legitimately good whiskey that I would voluntarily drink. If you only have four dollars in your pocket and you wanna get smashed, get Night Train. If you wanna get smashed on hard liquor-- and I say this with a great deal of sorrow--get yourself some Five O' Clock. You have so many better choices than this. It's like if you owned Sonic Adventure and wanted to play Sonic Unleashed.<br />
<b> </b><br />
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drink some good whisky. And play Sonic 2.<br />
<br />
Holy fuck I lead a sad life.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.sonichu.com/w/images/2/2c/Stress.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://www.sonichu.com/w/images/2/2c/Stress.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">SIGH.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-13756529194402248202010-11-01T18:40:00.000-07:002010-11-01T18:40:01.113-07:00Schlitz High Gravity V.S.L.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"></span><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Baby's begged me not to go<br />
So many times before<br />
She said love and happiness<br />
Can't live behind those swinging doors<br />
Now she's gone and I'm to blame<br />
Too late, I finally see<br />
What's Made Milwaukee Famous<br />
Has made a fool out of me.</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">-Jerry Lee Lewis</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">See, not even sad-sack country musicians like Schlitz. And those are the kinds of people that do songs about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpiYgFi42PM">PBR</a>. Well, them and the worst people on earth.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l42bwbwFEW1qzzhzdo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l42bwbwFEW1qzzhzdo1_500.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="256" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hope you both catch the fucking T-Virus.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l42bwbwFEW1qzzhzdo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I had to deliberate a little while over which brand of big can of terrible Schlitz to review for you people. By which I mean that I had to look until i saw this one was 8.5% alcohol. Then it's not really a contest.</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>LOOK</b></span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Has anyone ever seen Schlitz? Has there ever been one person who's had it <i>not</i> out of an aluminum can? If I went to some bar in Wisconsin where they were dueling by riding cows across the field and swinging lawnmower blades and said "hey barkeep, can I have a nice frosty mug of Schlitz?" do you think I'd actually get one? No. Because I would probably be latched to the back of one of the cows when I walked into the bar. So I'm not going to find out. They don't take kindly to my kind there.</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I don't mean gays. I mean the fact that I <i>literally</i> live in an ivory tower and I<i> read for fun</i>.</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTI0Mzk5NTk1OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNDM5Njc3MQ@@._V1._SX600_SY400_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: your author. With Harry Potter. That was a fun time.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTI0Mzk5NTk1OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNDM5Njc3MQ@@._V1._SX600_SY400_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So I'm going to assume it doesn't look like black jelly or a can of slug paste or cabbage blood or unicorn jism or anything like that. Let's just assume it looks yellow and watery.</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>NOSE</b></span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Wait...it <i>smells</i> like unicorn jism. If that unicorn was made out of watery beer. Like, some sort of aquatic unicorn that lived in beer. Bad beer. Also, that would be a hippocamp. A Milwaukee hippocamp.</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://images.elfwood.com/art/m/b/mbrikker/horse.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="298" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, yeah, like that, but with a cheesehead hat.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.elfwood.com/art/m/b/mbrikker/horse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Actually, I gotta hand it to Schlitz. Out of all the insanely cheap beers that are terrible, it has the most actually beery smell. It's not <i>great</i>, but at least it didn't smell like potato water like Olde English did. There is a bit of a celery tinge to it though. Ohh, that's not gonna be good.</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b> </b></span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b> TASTE</b></span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Okay, confession time. Friday night me and some of the Gutrottin' club wanted to get drunk and watch <i>Army of Darkness</i>, so I drank an entire bottle of Cobra. Then we wanted to get drunker and watch <i>Slither</i>, so I drank about a third of a bottle of Thunderbird. Then we wanted to get drunkest and get pamcakes, so I moved on to the Gallo vermouth from last time.</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="210" src="http://jamdm.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/hellboy.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mmmm...pamcakes. And cheap booze.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://jamdm.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/hellboy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b> </b>I think at some point over the pancake dinner I recited Yeats. But anyway, the confession boils down to-- none of that was for journalism. That was for fun. I think I'm actually starting to acclimate to cheeeeeeap beer and bumwine.</span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Because this is actually kind of almost tolerable and not poison-tasting. It still is though. It's really bitter and not in a "pint of bitters luv" way or a guiness-y way. And the aftertaste really is something fairly not-good. There's a really vegetative flavor to it and a sort of wormwood bitterness, plus it just makes your mouth feel gross. Like your tongue needs a bath or something.</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://www.kinokiller.de/oldboy/tongue.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Problem(s) solved!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.kinokiller.de/oldboy/tongue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Plus, after a while, the aftertaste becomes strong and pervasive enough that you don't taste the beer anymore when you drink it. It's like a less pure-horror version of the Four Loko taste. In the end, though, it's tolerable, int he same way Cobra was. I guess if you wanna get your swerve on and spend a buck fifty doing do you could do worse. As long as you don't mind feeling sad and drunk and midwestern.</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://files.list.co.uk/images/2008/07/17/conor-oberst2.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, even I as a 17-year-old could rock the Neil Young haircut better than Conor Oberst. Dude looks like a West Virginia van killer.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://files.list.co.uk/images/2008/07/17/conor-oberst2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-44680425913841669682010-10-26T20:28:00.000-07:002010-10-26T20:28:04.018-07:00Gallo Dry VermouthYou don't know how special this is to me. You see, I had Gallo Dry Vermouth long before I even considered starting this blog-- almost exactly a year ago, my roommate and girlfriend and I decided we need to try some martinis for the first time (despite drinking them out of rocks glasses) but also didn't want to spend much money on a bottle of vermouth we figured we'd only be using for accent.<br />
<br />
So we got Gallo. This was before I knew about the horrors that they made (Thunderbird, Night Train), and before I had any idea what vermouth was actually supposed to taste like.<br />
<br />
We had made a huge mistake.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://sunskier.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/gobfranklin.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even bigger than accidentally meeting your son.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://sunskier.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/gobfranklin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Suffice it to say, our cocktails for that night were just us drink martini out of highball glasses and watching six hours of <i>Dexter</i>. And that a while later, when my roommate was so smashed that we had to hide the Wild Turkey (he <i>actually thought drinking more Turkey was a good idea</i>) he still took one gulp of the leftover vermouth and put it right the fuck back in the fridge. The only good thing that ever came of that bottle was that it was okay for cooking sweet onions.<br />
<br />
So, let's see if my first encounter (aside from the obligatory college student meeting with Aristocrat) with low-grade gutrot still holds up.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
John Hodgman says that you can remember which vermouth is which by the fact that Italians have red blood and the French bleed a sort of clear-green lymph color. In which case I guess Californians that I <i>hate</i> must be very French-like with a hormonal imbalance, because this is actually a very faint yellow.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/050330/191451__drink_l.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ernest Gallo.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/050330/191451__drink_l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> </b>It's incredibly light in color, though, and the glass is actually tinted very faintly to make it look green. It's more the color of old plaster or faintly faded paper than an actual wine flavor.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
The aroma here is incredibly faint. Now, I drink a lot more sweet vermouth (I'm a sucker for Manhattans, the girl even more so), but what dry I've had is supposed to have a much stronger aroma than this. Unless you're some French bastard who orders a little glass after dinner, vermouth is supposed to be used as a (small) supplement to a couple hard dollops of booze. The aroma of this one is as fey and inoffensive as--shit, I don't know. I don't <i>notice</i> things that are fey and inoffensive. I really just set myself up for failure with that metaphor.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://l.yimg.com/eb/ymv/us/img/hv/photo/movie_pix/warner_brothers/a_i___artificial_intelligence/_group_photos/haley_joel_osment2.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Okay Haley, we're to the part where we just piss all over Kubrick's headstone. You ready?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://l.yimg.com/eb/ymv/us/img/hv/photo/movie_pix/warner_brothers/a_i___artificial_intelligence/_group_photos/haley_joel_osment2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TASTE (STRAIGHT)</b><br />
Welp, since I did just insult them let's see if the French know what the hell they're talking about (spoiler alert: the French <i>never</i> know what they're talking about).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://img.listal.com/image/105290/600full-charles-baudelaire.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="254" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Iiiiii'm Charles Baudelaire, Iiiii hate lesbians for not sleeping with me, wah wah waaaaaah."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.listal.com/image/105290/600full-charles-baudelaire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> </b>Joe (the roommate) fairly accurately summed up the flavor as "everything I hate about white wine." And let me tell you, the dude hates a <i>lot about white wine</i>. He bleeds Chianti and I'm pretty sure his bones are made of pasta. He only likes white wine when you're cooking clams in it. When he walks into a room, Dean Martin starts playing. He once stomped a guy to death to a Donovan song.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TMeWsIc0pwI/AAAAAAAAAF4/PVZcMGosq30/s1600/wopsong.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: my roommate.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TMeWsIc0pwI/AAAAAAAAAF4/PVZcMGosq30/s1600/wopsong.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>And while I honestly prefer white (as if the hate speech didn't tip you off) the guy is right. This doesn't even taste like vermouth, it tastes like spoiled white wine with herbs soaked in it. It's really sweet (sweeter than the actual sweet vermouth I have), and actually has kind of that good old Thunderbird flavor to its pungency and fruitiness. The herbs only exist in the aftertaste, and even then it tastes more like you just mixed in a ramen flavoring packet with your hobo wine.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
I recently made some herb-infused vodka (take about eight basil leaves, some mixed peppercorns and a sprig of rosemary and soak 'em in a bottle's worth of Smirnoff for a couple days). It tastes pretty good, I think-- kind of has the botanical flavors of gin but is smoother and has a really mellow burn. Since that should pack the herbal dryness that this vermouth so badly lacks, I've decided to make a cocktail out of them. Since it's very similar to gin in some of the flavors, it should make a good modified martini. Since it's made of plants, I call it...<i>THE SWAMP THING</i>.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://hollywoodhatesme.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/swamp-thing.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="213" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alan Moore's Swamp Thing only thought that it was human. This only thinks that it's a real cocktail. Also, it's gross.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://hollywoodhatesme.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/swamp-thing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> </b>So how does the Swamp Thing fare? Does it kick as much ass as it did in the 80's? Does it invent John Constantine? Does it lead to a giant bearded warlock on acid somehow becoming the most respected artist in his field?<br />
<br />
Of course not. How could you think that? Jesus christ, you people are <i>fucking idiots</i>. No, it pretty much tastes like that yummy herb vodka I made but with an added sweetness that completely goes against everything a martini should be. It actually starts pretty strong--the actual herbal component of the vermouth brings out the pepper in the vodka--but the wine flavor, that goddamn too-sweet wine flavor that clings to Gallo like they were goddamn asymptomatic carriers for the fucking superflu, it just lurches in pissing and squealing into an otherwise nice drink.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/tampacalling/files/2009/02/kareno.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gallo dry does to cocktails what Karen O does to motel rooms.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/tampacalling/files/2009/02/kareno.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Don't ever buy this. This falls into the very rare category (alongside Banana Nirvana) of <i>not even for the alcohol</i>. There's very little reason to own dry vermouth apart from making distinguished cocktails, and if you're in the "let's spend five bucks on this instead of 6.50 on something better" mindset you're as stupid as I was last year. Just no. No. No. No.<b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-87901544209272343742010-10-20T20:41:00.000-07:002010-10-20T20:41:20.941-07:00Richard's Wild Irish Rose (White)Hey guys! Guys! You know what's great? Sonic the fuckin' Hedgehog 4, that's what. I grew up with that lovable blue fuckup, and it's so nice to see him again after 16 years. Because they haven't made a Sonic game since Sonic and Knuckles. They haven't. Not that I can remember.<br />
<br />
Or at least, not that I will remember after trying out the white and worse version of Wild Irish Rose.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><i>I was going to find a picture of Sonic drunk and sad here. But there is only porn. So much porn. AND THAT'S NOOOOO GOOOOOOD.</i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">So, that seems as good a reason as any to start drinking.</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/49/Sonic_The_Hedgehog2_by_Deadklown.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="241" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well. Not <i>any</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/49/Sonic_The_Hedgehog2_by_Deadklown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>LOOK</b></div><div style="text-align: left;">Well, it looks more like white wine than most of the bumwines I've looked at. If you put it in a glass, you might fool someone into thinking it's civilized (like putting an Irishman in a suit). It's a little more of a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urine">deep-yellow</a> color, though, and a little more artificial looking. So I guess that, like an Irishman in a suit, it only looks dignified until close examination or until you start interacting with it.<b> </b></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://recollectionbooks.com/bleed/images/BB/beckett2.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm sorry sir please don't hurt me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://recollectionbooks.com/bleed/images/BB/beckett2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>NOSE</b></div><div style="text-align: left;">Heeeeey whaddaya know it smells bad, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT (as a side note, after finishing this bottle I will have had literally every type of bum wine the Sav Mor and Ingles carry. <i>Look at my life, look at my choices.</i>) Unlike the vinegar-and-sugar aroma of a lot of other bumwines, though, there's something...<i>off</i> here. On taking a really deep whiff of it, there's something that can only be described as rotten.</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://handson.provocateuse.com/images/photos/christopher_eccleston_02.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">YOU! WOULD! MAKE! A! GOOD! DANE!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://handson.provocateuse.com/images/photos/christopher_eccleston_02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="text-align: left;">Allegedly even people who seek out normal Rose don't drink the white variety. I can see why-- there really does smell like something just went off in the making, or like it somehow spoiled. But no, that's just the natural aroma. I mean, I guess a corpse stinks naturally too. Better just fucking CHOW DOWN on the next one you see.</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.hillofthelord.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/tseliot.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="241" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"That corpse you planted into your wine / has it begun to sprout? / Oh keep far the Jasper, that's enemy to man / or with his gut he'll chug it down again."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.hillofthelord.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/tseliot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="text-align: left;">(Jesus I'm sorry, I'm working on my Lit Thesis right now and I am awash in pretention).</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b>TASTE</b></div><div style="text-align: left;">A strong beginning of poverty and pigeonshit, followed by an aftertaste of regurgitated stomach. It starts boorishly and finishes moreso, as though the wine itself is getting drunk, as though it starts the night pissing into your umbrella stand and ends it by punching your wife in the clitoris. Like, <i>directly</i> in it, like that one scene in Robocop where he cyber-targets a dude's nuts.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><b> </b></div><div style="text-align: left;">That was my attempt at fancy-pants wine journalism. I'm...not sure it quite went where I thought it was going.</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="249" src="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa284/Satorarepo/SmokingJacket_KindHearts3.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"Not even in the babyhole, just POW. Clitoris."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i201.photobucket.com/albums/aa284/Satorarepo/SmokingJacket_KindHearts3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="text-align: left;">Yeah, I'm not doing that again. Anyway this is a lot worse than the red. And that honestly says something-- I don't really like red wines all that much. If you'll forgive the unbearableness of how white this is going to sound, I can really enjoy a Beaujolais and sometimes when I'm painting I'll drink a lot of Merlot really fast but a lot of the time I actually <i>prefer</i> white, and this is a massive fuckup on Irish Rose's part. It just tastes like their red without the stuff that covers up the awful. It's just as sweet, just as fruity, but there's that...deadness. That evil at its core.</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://dannysbyrne.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/chigurh.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't just dump it down the sink. It's your lucky wine.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://dannysbyrne.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/chigurh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="text-align: left;">(Just took like a half-hour break to talk about Catholicism and the way it works its way into your skin. I gotta say, like W.I.R. Red, this is a pretty fun drunk).</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">The White goes down easy (that's what Spike Lee told me!), but it hurts afterward. It definitely tastes spoiled and turned, like its well on its way to being vinegar, and if you take big gulps it does its job-- unlike bad vodka it doesn't hurt while you drink it, but immediately afterwards it feels like your tongue was transplanted from a three-day old body. Not like three-days-old period, like a baby's tongue. I mean it's been a "body" as in "after the stuff it's been through we don't want to admit it used to be a person."</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Really you can insert a lot of my description of the red and take out anything complimentary. All I can say for this is what Brendan "the Irish caricature" Behan said of Guiness: It gets ya drunk.</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01591/Brendan-Behan_1591987c.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fuck you and your independent republic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01591/Brendan-Behan_1591987c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-9533091306815909762010-10-13T20:08:00.000-07:002010-10-13T20:08:09.425-07:00Mamba Joose"Joose is a ghetto alcoholic energy drink." That's how the Wikipedia article on Joose begins. Now, I have to ask-- was that article vandalized and no one caught it? Or is Joose just so recognizably, objectively <i>ghetto</i> that even Wikipedia has to admit that drinking this is probably gonna lead to starting fistfights with people's cars?<br />
<br />
Also, this flavor is "Mamba Juice." The Mamba is the most poisonous snake in the world. It's so poisonous that Roald Dahl, the freakishly tall, freakishly hateful bastard that thought "there are witches everywhere who want to eat you" was a pretty perfectly charming premise for a children's book, <a href="http://www.tc.edu/rwp/assessment/2008/materials/2008_Running_Records_L-Z/set%201/sc/Level%20T%20Going%20Solo_Written%20Retelling_Student%20Copy.pdf"><i>pretty much shit himself</i></a> when he saw one in India. I don't know if this flavors supposed to be Black Mamba or Green or what, but I really doubt ANY kind of Mamba is particularly delicious.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="252" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3661/3313412333_e150f6a448.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, Black Mamba's pretty yummy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3661/3313412333_e150f6a448.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>So anyway, none of this bodes especially well for this review. Also, "Joose?" Really? If you spell it that way you just sound like Willie Nelson from <i>Aqua Teen</i>.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/athfpics/juice_.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For reference. Also, no kidding, this is the <a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/06/popov-vodka.html">second time</a> I've reference that character on this blog.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/athfpics/juice_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>LOOK</b><br />
It's red. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A RED MAMBA, why would you call the red flavor Mamba? Why. Why. Why. <b> </b>It pretty much looks like cherry soda, only more pinkish. Like watermelon soda I guess? Only they also make juice in watermelon flavor, so if this is watermelon what is that? This is one of the first times I've been honestly confused by the way something looks. To be honest, I don't know what to expect from the look.<br />
<br />
That's not true. I know it's going to be terrible, I just don't know how. It's like invading Russia-- are you going to starve, freeze, or get shot?<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2007/02/18/19W_TOLSTOY_narrowweb__300x504,0.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="190" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also, Tolstoy is disappointed in your actions.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2007/02/18/19W_TOLSTOY_narrowweb__300x504,0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>NOSE</b><br />
The taurine (that stuff in Red Bull) gives this a really sweet, chemical smell. Like Red Bull, I guess. The fruit flavor that is there was really hard to pin down, and took a lot of deep breathing (fuckyoufuckyouFUCKYOU) but I think it's grapefruit. Yeah. Because there's a big overlap between the "half a grapefruit for breakfast crowd" and the "alcoholic caffeine-soda" crowd. You know who invented Red Bull? <i>Tokyo cab drivers</i>. I'm sure they're just all over some nice fresh citrus.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="312" src="http://sciencejunkies.com/media//2008/05/square_melons1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It wouldn't be the first time I was surprised by Japanese attitudes towards fruit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://sciencejunkies.com/media//2008/05/square_melons1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> TASTE</b><br />
First, let me say that I'm only a little way in here and I'm reading trivia about serial killers (they beat Gacy to death in prison! I'm okay with that!). It's that kinda drunk.<br />
<b> </b><br />
It's actually really specifically a Four Loko-style flavor, but spread out. The terrible doesn't build like Loko did, but it's present from the very first sip. There's a sort of unusual, formaldehyde-y flavor here-- it tastes like grapefruit, sure (WHY?), but it also has a kind of unique chemical tang. Joe says that it's a terrible you want to keep experiencing-- there's different layers and nuances of awful, so you can't appreciate everything that makes it terrible one just one gulp.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/eraserhead6.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In Heeeeeaven...everything is fiiiiiine.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/eraserhead6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>It tastes like a dried-out grapefruit you thought was fresh but had been in the back of the fridge for a while. It tastes like a Dead grapefruit-- not just dead, because that's really as soon as you pluck them, but something devoid of vitality, of freshness or crispness. It's like, this is what happens to a grapefruit who give up on its dreams and just sells used cars and feels guilty about it. This is a grapefruit so desperate for something resembling a real life that it constructs a fantasy around itself.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://onehundredgreatreads.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/waste.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh man, this seriously the most pretentious joke I've ever made here. I am so, so sorry.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://onehundredgreatreads.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/waste.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>But yeah, this is <i>The Crying of Grapefruit 49</i>, only tastewise it has more in common with <i>Gravity's Rainbow</i>. The coprophagous scene, specifically. (Blogger has "coprophagous" in its spellcheck. Thanks, Google, for anticipating my needs.) It tastes like that awful time we had with Thunderbird only with Red Bull thrown into the mix. And, to quote Leonard Cohen (jesus I have been listening to a ton of Cohen lately, this might explain some of the melancholia), there's nothing left but sorrow and a taste of overtime.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TLZyGJBvmgI/AAAAAAAAAF0/meGvBxkVcI8/s320/fieldcommandercohen.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I put, like, a ton of work into this. I don't even know why. Only that listening to "Leaving Greensleeves" for half an hour should put you into the mindset I'm in for a good %30 of the day.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Long story short, it doesn't seem as promising as Four Loko does at the initial taste but also doesn't get as awful. It's like marrying someone obese so they won't leave you instead of someone simultaneously sexy and psychopathic. So, like, more like a Dwight Yoakam song than an Alpha Couple Mountain Goats song.</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.contactmusic.com/pics/lb/curious_case_of_benjamin_button_arrivals_10_091208/dwight_yoakam_2210462.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="221" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm not picturing him NOT banging a fat chick.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.contactmusic.com/pics/lb/curious_case_of_benjamin_button_arrivals_10_091208/dwight_yoakam_2210462.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">More of a teaser for the next entry, but we're home-infusing some awful vodka. Got some Nikolai, gonna try and make it taste like apple pie. I call it the Gorbachev, because it reconciles American and Russian ideals of perfection.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b> </b><br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TLZyGJBvmgI/AAAAAAAAAF0/meGvBxkVcI8/s1600/fieldcommandercohen.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Unless it's a miserable failure. Then I call it the Yeltsin.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://englishrussia.com/images/some_yeltsin_photos/1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="278" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't stay mad at you, Boris.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://englishrussia.com/images/some_yeltsin_photos/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TLZyGJBvmgI/AAAAAAAAAF0/meGvBxkVcI8/s1600/fieldcommandercohen.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-14178546727274020232010-09-27T18:39:00.000-07:002010-09-27T18:39:16.912-07:00Georgia Moon Corn WhiskeyWell, this is it. If I didn't know what words meant, I'd say "the penultimate entry," but penultimate actually means second-to-last. But anyway, this is pretty much moonshine. I'm serious, pretty much the only thing that separates Georgia Moon from white lightning is the fact that there's taxes on it. <br />
<br />
"Ezra woke and gagged on White Jesus.<br />
He convulsed and retched, lurching his upper body over the side of the bed, and disgorged a ribbon of mustard bile on to the foot-worn sod. He hung there, half on, half off the bed, letting the prickling blood rush to his head...The hobos call White Jesus-- which she made from potato peels --White Lightning, but the cane-men call it Ecker's tears."<br />
-Nick Cave, <i>And The Ass Saw The Angel. </i>There's a scene in that book where the main character finds his baby brother's bones in a shoebox!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/Tinkerfuckbell/NickCave.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="263" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A regular gigglefest.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/Tinkerfuckbell/NickCave.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>LOOK</b><br />
It comes in a little mock mason jar. I don't really care about anything else, I just fucking love that fact. Yeah, it's not a real airlock-seal<b> </b>and I don't like the kinda jokey fake-cardboard label, but I love that they're gonna just roll with that (there was also another fake-moonshine bottle at the store that was a fake ceramic bottle and cost twice as much, which is against the point of moonshine). I just really like that they're going to embrace the moonshine thing full-on. And so we're also drinking it out of little real Ball jars.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://americanhooch.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/georgia_moon.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's adorable.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://americanhooch.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/georgia_moon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>The whiskey's also clear, despite being, you know, whiskey. This is because it's fresh, tasty, unaged hooch.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
It may just be the fact that it's a big ol' Mason jar of 50% pure alcohol rather than a bottle but it smells really, really strong. It's mostly just a smell of pure ethanol but there's a corny sweetness to the odor too. It mostly just smells like sugar and alcohol. Again, there's a beauty to the simplicity of it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="273" src="http://www.builderbill-diy-help.com/image-files/kathe-kollwitz.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes. Kathe Kollwitz is a perfectly apt comparison.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.builderbill-diy-help.com/image-files/kathe-kollwitz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TASTE (STRAIGHT)</b><br />
Remember what I said about alcohol and sugar? That pretty much holds true. On the first taste it pretty much tastes like vodka (because that's almost what it is-- vodka can only be technically made from wheat, potatoes, or, if you are the saddest person to ever live [by which I mean you live in the vodka belt and are not either a corrupt government official or a <i>vor</i>] beets). But anyway, this essentially neutral spirits and corn juice. This is what they drink out there on the edge of society. This is the flavor of the world melting away.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l99ex17c4f1qay9wgo1_400.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="319" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">greatshowdowns.com will change your life.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l99ex17c4f1qay9wgo1_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> </b><br />
<b> </b>The aftertaste is pretty nice, actually. It's pretty sweet, with a kind of tartness to it. It's interesting to see how raw whiskey starts, before all the aging and the wood flavor soaks into it. If nothing else, it'll make you appreciate bourbon more. And it's probably the best Kentuckian thing I've reviewed for this blog. Better than Kentucky Gentleman. Better than <i>fucking Riva.</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TKFBzj5uq1I/AAAAAAAAAFs/c2I57_nGvnw/s320/sanderstodd.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Never forget. Never forgive.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TKFBzj5uq1I/AAAAAAAAAFs/c2I57_nGvnw/s1600/sanderstodd.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><i> </i><b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
Yeah, I made a White Jesus cocktail. Since it's essentially raw bourbon, this is kinda like just doing fish and chips with sushi. Only, you know, an infinitely worse idea. So I threw in some Angostura Bitters and called it an Old Fashioned. Let's see how this goes.<br />
<b> </b><br />
Mmm. Yummy. The bitters just kinda makes it taste like straight bourbon. It lessens the burn a lot (and make no mistake, despite the surprisingly palatability of Georgia Moon it does burn like it was 50% more proof than it is). (Hey, Karim's coughing and screaming now. I think he took too big of a gulp. WHITE JESUS, PEOPLE!). Making it an Old Fashioned does kinda diminish the unique tastiness of the moonshine though, so if I were you I'd just drink it out of the mason jar on your front porch, listen to some Gram Parsons, and maybe accidentally shoot your neighbor's dog.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TKFGaGVdDEI/AAAAAAAAAFw/7pYzkM2oU9g/s320/peteyell.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Killing someone is a special thing. It's a thing you do when you want someone to die.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TKFGaGVdDEI/AAAAAAAAAFw/7pYzkM2oU9g/s1600/peteyell.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Yeah, I'm gonna recommend this one. Like <a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/08/special-name-unknown-pelinkovac.html">Pelinkovac</a> it's weird and has a pretty unique flavor, and I don't know if it's a flavor you're gonna like or not but you owe it to yourself to check it out if you get the chance. I kinda like it. But yeah, it's fairly cheap and hey, it's not technically illegal.<br />
<br />
(If anyone knows anyone who can hook me up with some real illegal moonshine, drop me a line).Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-57291295434867082042010-09-25T18:46:00.000-07:002010-09-25T18:46:19.653-07:00Gutrotter Tools #1: BittersSo I've started reading the <a href="http://12bottlebar.com/">12 Bottle Bar</a> lately. They're a really great site, with the aim of helping you make classy, old-school drinks with the least amount of weird supplies and esoteric ingredients possible. So I thought I might try my hand at something. Only, instead of "weird supplies" and "esoteric ingredients," substitute "money" and "judgment."<br />
<br />
In my time writing this blog, essentially, I've drunk a <i>lot</i> of terrible things. And I rarely finish whatever bottle of terrible I review on the night I review it. Which leaves me with the question: what do I do with it afterward? I usually get a couple friends to choke down some out of curiosity and sympathy, and sometimes I get angry at something online and hatedrink a little, but there are a lot of times where I have to figure out different cocktails, ingredients, and methods of actually <i>using</i> this terrible stuff. And that's why I'm starting the <b>Gutrotter Tools</b> series-- both so I can talk about actual good mixology, and so that I can help you save money by making that five-o-clock vodka drinkable.<br />
<br />
<b>Bitters</b> are something you should own. They're not something you <i>need</i> to own, but a small bottle will last you for about a year if you're sparing. They have their roots in the medicine-show snake-oil days, when they were essentially just grain alcohol that had soaked up some flavor from weird botanicals and herbs. But they really shine in a lot of the more spirit-heavy cocktails, like the Old Fashioned, where their strong flavors (in very small amounts) can help to balance and compliment the flavor of liquor.<br />
<br />
There are really only two major kinds, and you should own both. <b>Peychaud's</b> is originally from New Orleans. It's got a sweet flavor and a lot of floral notes, a little like rosewater. There's also a pretty strong element of cinnamon there, but it's not overpowering, which is really hard to do (see: Pelinkovac). There's a little bit of fennel and anise to its flavor, too-- since it was formulated in the absinthe heart of America, this isn't surprising. This spice and sweetness makes a really great compliment t the botanical flavor of gin, and goes great with lighter, crisper whisky (think Canadian Club), or rye-based whisky in general, by helping to even out the flavor and smooth it some.<br />
<br />
<b>Angostura<i> </i></b>is originally from Barbados and pretty radically different from Peychaud's. It's got a very strong citrus flavor--mostly oranges--and the spice flavors are much more like cloves, allspice, and nutmeg. It's a little more rounded in flavor, without the sharp cinnamon and anise and with a slightly more fruity tinge to it.<br />
<br />
<b>How to use them? </b>These can go in pretty much anything you decide to gutrot, as long as it's got a flavor of its own (I wouldn't try vodka). Essentially, use Peychaud's for gin, crisper whiskies, and tequila. Use Angostura for rum, bourbon, and most liqueurs. They're both really strong in flavor, so only a few drops. Remember, though-- what you're drinking isn't <i>good</i>, so feel free to go a little overboard and use these to mask the flavor. Try putting a couple shots of cheap-ass whisky (like Kentucky Gentleman) in Coke or soda water and splashing a fair bit of bitters in there.<br />
<br />
In this case, essentially, you're using them like a veil for an ugly bride: it's a pretty small thing in its own right, but it can make a world of difference.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-730838850812078572010-09-21T18:15:00.000-07:002010-09-21T18:15:37.433-07:00Olde English "800"Well, for starters, I wanted to let you guys know a cocktail I made was featured on <a href="http://www.thedrunkenmoogle.com/post/1156063063/the-travis-touchdown-no-more-heroes-cocktail">The Drunken Moogle</a>. They're a pretty damn fun site and I wanted to welcome any readers that might have come here from there-- I don't know if anyone reading this did, but I hope you might stick around.<br />
<br />
Secondly, I wanted to make an aside regarding music-- it came out like months ago, and I missed it, but Spencer Krug has yet <i>another</i> band called Moonface that sounds like a cross between minimalist reggae music and the<i> Akira</i> soundtrack, and it's definitely worth doing one of those pay-what-you-want download things to get it from <a href="https://scdistribution.com/moonface/">Jagjaguwar</a>. Krug has never ever ever made anything I didn't like and while this might be his weirdest work yet it's still pretty good.<br />
<br />
These are both procrastinations, though, to keep me from having to get around to Olde English "800." (The quotes are on the bottle, I'm not going to leave them out because all of you need to be as angry as I am at them). I found a <a href="http://www.ratebeer.com/Ratings/TheWorstBeers.asp">site</a> that rated it the worst beer in the world and, quite frankly, I'm not going to pass that opportunity up.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_yLApVOTgCAY/SQyxolMRHbI/AAAAAAAAADg/-ui_JkTC-80/s320/sk.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spencer Krug is just all quietly hissing, "Dammit Jasper."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_yLApVOTgCAY/SQyxolMRHbI/AAAAAAAAADg/-ui_JkTC-80/s1600/sk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>LOOK</b><br />
What's more offensive than the beer's appearance (which basically looks like Miller, since that's what it is) is the design of the bottle. There's nothing resembling a neck here (think like, latter Brando), it just tapers smoothly from the thick body of the bottle up to the mouth. This makes it really hard to grip by the neck, and the thickness of the bottle combined with the sweat on it means that it's hard to wrap your hands around the center. This'd be fine to just gingerly sip it, but I paid 2 bucks for 40 oz. I am going to chug this. And when I try to, it feels like it's going to spill. Every. Time. It just feels fated for disaster.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.topnews.in/files/tony-blair3.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'll just uh, leave this here.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.topnews.in/files/tony-blair3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>NOSE</b><br />
Skunk beer, pure and simple. <i>Reeeeeally</i> skunk beer-- it's fresh out of the fridge and it already smells like cheap beers do when they get warm. It's actually pretty damn gross. It smells kind of like cheese. Kind of like rye bread. Kind of bitter. Basically it smells like a vegetarian reuben that you wrested out of the claws of a pigeon.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://image20.webshots.com/21/9/7/17/2176907170057018041AERKNK_ph.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why do we let babies like this grow up. Fucking. Awful.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://image20.webshots.com/21/9/7/17/2176907170057018041AERKNK_ph.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> TASTE</b><br />
Welp, let's see if I can get this unsteady, wavering bottle to my lips safely without it dribbling on my shirt (this is why hookers charge geriatrics more).<br />
<b> </b><br />
Oh, <i>fucking gross</i>. Look, I do not like Miller. I have had one can of Miller in the back of my fridge since I moved into this apartment, <i>over a year ago</i>. But I think this is a step down from Miller, kinda like how Mary Kelly's murder was especially bad even for Jack The Ripper.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/05/20/article-562141-0109377D00000578-324_306x423.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="231" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">WHO WAS NOT WALTER SICKERT YOU IGNORANT HACK BITCH.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/05/20/article-562141-0109377D00000578-324_306x423.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>You know how, when you have really cheap beer like Heineken or PBR there's this kinda pungent flavor behind it, especially if you let it get warm? We in the tasting-awful-things field refer to that as "skunkiness, or if you're into other kinds of intoxicants, "dank."<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MjlmSpH521Y/Ruf0aDfZvAI/AAAAAAAAAKM/Rx7kl-y8_7E/s320/princefari.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Doctor Prince Far I has like, twelve degrees in that branch of the field. I'm pretty sure he's just smoking one of them in this photo. </td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_MjlmSpH521Y/Ruf0aDfZvAI/AAAAAAAAAKM/Rx7kl-y8_7E/s1600/princefari.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Anyway, that's literally the only flavor there <i>is</i> to Olde English "800." Seriously, no real beer flavor, just the bad parts of bad beer flavor. Drinking this is like watching <i>The Matrix</i> and just fast-forwarding to Keanu Reeves's dialogue. No, wait. It's like watching <i>Matrix Revolutions</i> and doing that. No, wait, it's like taking that out of the DVD player, and just watching first takes of his dialogue scenes in <i>Constantine</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2005_Constantine/005CTN_Keanu_Reeves_137.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They made a <i>Hellblazer </i>adaptation starring <i>Peter Fucking Stormare</i> as The Devil and it was <i>still</i> somehow boring.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2005_Constantine/005CTN_Keanu_Reeves_137.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>I wish I was drinking King Cobra. I honestly mean that. This literally tastes like someone's armpit. Someone really sweaty. And then the flavor comes and goes in waves for about a minute. And then sometimes it just lurches back out even after then. It's like herpes, it just never goes away. Only at least herpes is contracted by doing something fun.<br />
<br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
There is literally no reason to drink this, is what I'm saying. It's weaker than Cobra, it tastes worse than PBR, it's literally the worst-tasting beer I've ever had, and the only thing that <i>is</i> good about it is that it's so watery and lacking in any strong flavors that at least you can drink it fast. <i>And that's only good because this is so damn bad</i>-- it's only saving grace would be a failure of others. That's like saying, <i>well, Hitler was awful, but at least he was also psychopathic enough to shoot himself</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="288" src="http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/05_02/hitlerDM_468x422.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fuckwad.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/05_02/hitlerDM_468x422.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-17344253000892298552010-09-14T17:55:00.000-07:002010-09-14T17:55:21.428-07:00Bud Lite & Clamato CheladaNow, you may have noticed a new subtitle for this blog: "These bars are filled with things that kill, by now you probably should have learned." It's from a Bright Eyes song, and I chose it because a) there are a lot of things I am not, and faggy is not one of those things, and b) I do stubbornly refuse to learn.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.clashmusic.com/files/imagecache/big_node_view/files/images/conoroberst.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="242" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's like a scared little kitten. I'd totally drink some Riva with that guy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.clashmusic.com/files/imagecache/big_node_view/files/images/conoroberst.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Even then, though, some of you might thought a pre-canned blend of clam juice, tomato, bud lite, lime, and salt (it's supposed to be served in a salt-rimmed glass but they just said <i>fuck it</i> and put salt in the <i>goddamn can</i> like <i>goddamn assholes</i>) might daunt me. Those of you who did either seriously underestimate my courage or overestimate my will to live.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/8548883/Conor+Oberst+340_conoroberst_band_web_4.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="243" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"So I give myself three months to feel better/ or I swear to god I'll drive right off a fucking cliff." Oh, this is pretty much what highschool with me was like, by the way.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/8548883/Conor+Oberst+340_conoroberst_band_web_4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Well, almost. You need more Smiths references but, as both Morrissey and beer-clamato are for inexplicable reasons enjoyed by swarthy Latinos, I guess this'll make an adequate substitute.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
Reddish-pink, with matching foam. It's a little faintly orange and more translucent than I like my beer, let alone how I like my beer mixed with what-should-be-opaque <i>tomato juice</i>. Which, in all fairness, I proabably wouldn't mind if it was absolutely translucent, by which I mean <i>didn't exist</i>. I mean, Jesus christ, I know Bud Lite is for drippy vaginas but does that mean this has to look like period blood.?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://ladyvayde.com/images/RayWinstone.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What are you, on y-- <i>shit</i>, already made that joke in the Cossack review. Welp, hopefully some Winstone will class this place up a little regardless.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://ladyvayde.com/images/RayWinstone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
It's in the nose where the rich bouquet of clams comes through. It still smells faintly like tomatoes and faintly like beer, but mostly it just smells fishy.<br />
<b> </b><br />
I want you to try and wrack your brain for anything that can be described as "smelling fishy" that is good. Nothing is <i>supposed</i> to smell like fish. <i>Even fish</i>. When fish get aromatic you throw 'em the fuck out, but NOPE, Amheuser just thinks <i>yeah</i>, <i>yeah, this beer smells like low tide. And I'm okay with that</i>.<br />
<br />
I want you to keep in mind, given the metaphor I used in the section above, that I didn't make a single vagina joke. I stayed the hell away from vaginas in the fish-smell metaphor, and that makes me classy.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://ohinvertedworldclub.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/morrissey.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Class, a Turkey.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://ohinvertedworldclub.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/morrissey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TASTE</b><br />
They put salt in this. Do you think they understood what a bad idea that was? When you salt the rim of the glass, it gives a nice sharpness to what you're drinking and, by making you thirstier, makes the drink more quenching. I've only started appreciating tequila in the past month since I bought a little bottle of 1800, and <i>I </i>understand that. The people who came up with this deal in booze for a living and they couldn't figure out that if you put salt <i>in </i>the beer it just makes it painful to drink. The lip of the can tastes like seawater and it burns my throat in the worst way possible.<br />
<b> </b><br />
(For the record, whenever I think of budweiser I just flash to the scene in <i>Blue Velvet</i> where Laura Dern says it's all she's had, and Kyle MacLachlan just sighs and disappointedly replies "yup. King of beers.")<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://quizilla.teennick.com/user_images/M/mattababy/1075693472_urescooper.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Diane, I'm drinking Clamato, salt, and Budweiser. I've made a huge mistake."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://quizilla.teennick.com/user_images/M/mattababy/1075693472_urescooper.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Honestly, the only flavor advertised on the bi-lingual label that I would <i>want</i> in my cheap watery lite American beer is the lime, and I can't taste that. It mostly tastes like tomato juice. <i>Bad</i> tomato juice. At least when you drink it, the clam-- the "unique flavor of Clamato" they advertise on the back of the can-- doesn't really come through. It just tastes like beer and tomato juice and it makes you thirsty when you drink it, making it a failure at the one reason I ever have cheap watery beer. And I drink a lot of Rolling Rock, so it's not like I'm coming at this with unreasonably high standards.<br />
<br />
Can I just say that my spellchecker doesn't recognize Clamato as a word? That's because it <i>shouldn't be.</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://wesleying.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/South_Park_Vampire_kids.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Clamato, <i>per se</i>?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://wesleying.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/South_Park_Vampire_kids.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>I will say this though-- it makes a nice counterpoint to the Four Loko from earlier in the week. On a surface level, that's because it's horrible flavors and colors are at least natural; I know what makes this bad, unlike the awful undertow of Loko, which I can only guess at being the rough flavor of Nyarlothotep's dust-covered taint (not taint in the Lovecraftian sense, I mean the space between Nyarlothotep's testes and Nyarlothotep's anus). On a less awful level, though, it's because chugging this actually makes it better. Your mouth gets acclimated to the store-brand V8 taste and it just tastes like watery, vegetable-y beer after a few swigs.<br />
<br />
Also, I think the salt did help clear up these congested sinuses I've had, so that's good. I'm not even joking, <i>that happened</i>.<br />
<br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
On the other hand, I think my throat might be bleeding. It's really hot and sore I don't know if my spit's red because of the tomato or if the saltwater kinda fucked me up because, you know, <i>you shouldn't drink saltwater</i>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://www.criticplanet.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/waterworld-1995.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's like nobody even <i>watched</i> Waterworld.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.criticplanet.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/waterworld-1995.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-25691707739645188582010-09-10T19:39:00.000-07:002010-09-10T19:39:35.979-07:00Four Loko (standard flavor)<object height="385" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KVWWre8tn_U?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KVWWre8tn_U?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br />
Did you watch that video? (I didn't-- I cut out at the point when he was sharing his pride in spending three dollars on his chosen poison at the corner store). But yes-- that's why I'm going for some Four Loko tonight. Well, that and the fact that, according to Wikipedia, it's currently under investigation by the FDA. And when you Youtube search for it, one of the first results is about teens being hospitalized by it. Also, there's wormwood in it, which strikes me as a terrible idea.<br />
<br />
Essentially, Four Loko is malt liquor full of fruit flavor and energy drink and, I can't stress the cosmic foolishness of this idea, <i>wormwood</i>. Also, its company is based out of Latrobe PA, which makes me sad because I started drinking beer with Rolling Rock. So I got just the standard purple-colored can and thought I'd see if this is normal malt-liquor bad or a special thing unto itself.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
Oh my god this looks more like grape soda than grape soda does. It's a really really dark purple, like, darker than Fanta. (They made Fanta originally because Nazi Germany couldn't import Coca-Cola syrup. I'm not making any claims here about quality or trying to say that Four Loko is a war crime. I'm just telling the exciting story that is 20th-century history)<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.toysoldiersgallery.com/zencartstore/images/LAH081%28L%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://www.toysoldiersgallery.com/zencartstore/images/LAH081%28L%29.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apparently exciting enough that someone made a Martin Bormann action figure.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>But anyway, it's malt liquor and it's dark purple. It wouldn't matter if that purple was like made out of ground-up amethyst and unicorn jism, it would still be wrong.<br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
It also smells like grape soda. It's really reminiscent of<b> </b><a href="http://gutrotter.blogspot.com/2010/03/issue-3-everclear-purple-passion.html">Purple Passion</a>, (man, those were halcyon days. Back when I had a liver larger than a golfball and more solid than a whiffleball)-- it smells purple and fruity, but neither like actual grapes or totally healthy. There's a weird, old, dusty foot smell at the bottom of this, like I'll drain the can and just wind up choking on someone's knucklebone.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://content8.flixster.com/question/50/93/05/5093054_std.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://content8.flixster.com/question/50/93/05/5093054_std.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Looks like a ... pinky."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There is a cheap beer aroma mixed in, though, and that's just terrible. It can smell like soda, it can smell like cheap beer, but smelling like both just feels like something-- either a rat or an oompa-loompa, respectively--fell into the mix and drowned.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE</b><br />
<b> </b>Well when you sip it, it just tastes like soda. But it's malt liquor, so you should chug it, and when you chug it thenitdsjcdlsjl;ZALGO.<br />
<br />
Whoo. Sorry there. I drank like a fifth of a can and for a second everything was black and yet somehow fire at the same time. I was somehow absolutely nothing and yet aware of nothing but my own flesh. It was a little weird.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.freewebs.com/dalek77/DalekMutant1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="229" src="http://www.freewebs.com/dalek77/DalekMutant1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NO WONDER YOU'RE ALWAYS SCREAMING.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It starts off with this faint, bitter wormwood flavor down at the very base of the first sip. It tastes like dust and hangover-mouth, with sort of a lemon-rind sourness. But with every gulp I take over the course of a chug, the grape soda flavor diminishes and that grows, until after about four gulps and it tastes like wood pulp and mushrooms. It tastes like something that is legitimately poisonous and then you salivate like crazy as your mouth tries to flush it out. And it's not just in the course of one chug-- the deeper I get into this increasingly too-large can, the worse every consecutive sip tastes. It's the opposite of the Mad Dog effect (fun fact: my first exposure to <i>Mad Dog </i>was on <i>My Name is Earl</i>, where it was the preferred drink of Patty the Daytime Hooker).<br />
<br />
Seriously, a sip of this is passable. That last gulp is some of the worst stuff I've tasted for this blog.<br />
<br />
(I gotta take a break while I process the buzz. Here's something special to keep you company).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TIrjLMUleLI/AAAAAAAAAFE/tuGa3cHEonA/s1600/080206-cosplay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TIrjLMUleLI/AAAAAAAAAFE/tuGa3cHEonA/s320/080206-cosplay.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">zALgO RiseS</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>BUZZ</b><br />
I'm just adding this section because this is an energy drink as well as a beer as well as, in Europe, absinthe-pop (which all combine into a Japan-level bad idea). I figure that, since the reason to drink Four Loko over anything else is the buzz, I better talk about it.<b> </b><br />
<br />
It's not really an energy drink buzz, though, as the alcohol mostly negates that. I am typing better than I usually do in the reviews, so I guess it makes that a little easier, but I'm not jittery or tweaking. It actually reminds me of an absinthe buzz (only with Taurine and Shoggoth-bile instead of fennel and anise) in that I'm clearly kinda drunk but not tired or lethargic. But whereas an absinthe buzz is fun and an excellent conduit to bad ideas and weird fuckin' dreams (seriously-- can't go into details but they were strange as shit and we all dreamed about different variations on the same idea) I imagine that this is just a conduit to sitting on the hood of a moving car.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Imported/Movies/8/42042a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Imported/Movies/8/42042a.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Someone slammed their butt on your car! It looks like a butt!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>(<i>Wonder Boys </i>is hella late-90s-early-2000s but it's still a damn fine movie). Essentially this buzz is just gonna make you a chattery asshole but not actually inspire you to any bad decisions.<br />
<br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
More like <i>you'd have to be loco to driiiiiiiiiiiiii</i><br />
<i>ZALGO</i><br />
<i>HE RISES. </i><b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-28406968744825774702010-09-06T21:07:00.000-07:002010-09-06T21:07:07.845-07:00Newgate Corrections Citrus Blend(Before any of you start worrying for my health, I want you to know I ran my process and the finished product by two different people I know who do a lot of homebrewing. They were disappointed, dismayed, and horrified, but they assured me that this should be safe. Fairly safe).<br />
<br />
So, we all knew this was coming. I think we were all wondering, "how long is it going to take before Jasper decides that no ordinary awful stuff is enough to keep him running and instead decides to engineer something truly awful and gloriously perverse?" So I found a shittily-made <a href="http://www.warpbreach.com/6/6.html">website</a> from the year 2000 that told you how to make prison wine out of Welch's and baker's yeast and decided "fuckit, why not?"<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i227.photobucket.com/albums/dd178/gallopearlkenobi/bender-strafbild.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="311" src="http://i227.photobucket.com/albums/dd178/gallopearlkenobi/bender-strafbild.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A paragon of good decisions.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The roommate and I made it out of Grapefruit, Pink Lemonade, and Apple from Wal-Mart brand concentrates and fermented it in a plastic water jug. It's been sitting for about four days and last night the bubbles finally stopped going, meaning that all the yeast poisoned itself. And so, named after one of the most infamous prisons in history, I present to you: Newgate Corrections Citrus Blend.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TIWtOBK36hI/AAAAAAAAAE8/FQr_aAf34cI/s1600/Photo_00007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TIWtOBK36hI/AAAAAAAAAE8/FQr_aAf34cI/s320/Photo_00007.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: pride!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This is it: the moment when i get to call myself Gonzo. When I create the worst story possible and then report on how awful it is. Or I could call myself a Republican Congressman.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
Whooooo boy. There was a lot of pink juice that went into the blend of this and I don't know where it went, because it's pretty much beige now. It's about the color of slightly lighter apple juice, but totally opaque. Also, as you can kind of see in the image up there, there's a surprisingly thick layer of sediment at the bottom of the jug. This is the dead yeast and the processed pulp from the juice. The fact that there's so much of it means some pretty serious fermentation went down. Kind of like when, in a horror video game, you walk into an empty room that's strewn with chunks of something and you know a brutal boss fight's coming up.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.figuresworld.net/video_games/resevil4/re4s2_regenerator.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.figuresworld.net/video_games/resevil4/re4s2_regenerator.jpg" width="196" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is Regeneratin' Robby. He's our mascot.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
Okay I think I might have fucked up the airlock seal that is supposed to let some of the waste product out (I was making it out of a balloon and a rubber band), because this smells straight up <i>rancid</i>. (Again, I want to stress I had people who know their shit make sure this wasn't poison-- I'll be fine in the morning, people. Although, fun fact, in the slim chance I did seriously fuck shit up my body would actually turn this into <i>formaldehyde</i>. Having friends who know chemistry makes you kind of scared of life).<br />
<br />
There's a serious sulfur whiff here because I used bread yeast and that shit does not make anything good ever, and there's a vague sharp, sweet citrus smell under it (and I mean <i>under</i>, as in lurking.) It's a little bit like the aroma that bread dough makes when it's rising, only a lot stronger, more bitter, and in a place it really shouldn't be.<br />
<br />
<b>TASTE</b><br />
I've been listening to a lot of Sparklehorse lately, and the thought of even having to do this section<b> </b>made me cue up "Here Come the Painbirds." And that song's about the time Mark Linkous did so much heroin he filled his heart with potassium, briefly died, and couldn't walk for six months. SO YEAH.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.drownedinsound.com/resized_images/497x600/57822.jpeg?rendered" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://images.drownedinsound.com/resized_images/497x600/57822.jpeg?rendered" width="265" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The only things I really need / is water, a gun, and rabbits / [also not prison wine]"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>(He uh, he shot himself in the heart about four months back. So I feel bad for that. But not as bad as I'm going to. Look, I made <i>prison wine</i> here-- <i>I WOULD RATHER BE DRINKING THUNDERBIRD.</i>)<br />
<br />
Ohgodohgod here we go. Okay, for starters, it doesn't actually taste as rancid as it smells. The grapefruit flavor really tears to the forefront, which makes me glad we only used one third grapefruit. It also makes me really glad that we couldn't find beet juice from concentrate, which was our first idea. Still though, it's amazing that, starting with simple fruit juice and the addition of two ingredients, we got this awful.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/5/7187726_6f177dea5c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/5/7187726_6f177dea5c.jpg" width="154" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I can ferment, mother. You fermented juice."<br />
"Good for you Buster, now let's see you drink it."</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It actually tastes like the time we mixed Thunderbird and grapefruit juice, but if you drank that through rising bread dough. Or like, if it was given to you by the world's absolute worse pastry chef. I don't mean worst as in "the worst at being a chef," I mean "out of all the chefs in the world, he is the one who is the most objectively bad as a human being." I don't know what the fuck that website was smoking, baker's yeast was a terrible idea. As was making it as concentrated as they suggested-- this should probably have like twenty percent more water. Although using grapefruit juice was also a terrible idea.<br />
<br />
This tastes like bile and sulfur. It may well be the straight-up worst I've reviewed, and definitely the hardest to choke down, although I can't really count it in the running because it was engineered to be the worst. I mean, it's not like anyone actually makes grapefruit wine.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.panamacitybeachwinery.com/labels/Wine-FloridaGrapefruit_thum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.panamacitybeachwinery.com/labels/Wine-FloridaGrapefruit_thum.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blow me, world.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
On the downside <i>of</i> the downside, it's hard enough to get down-- and I'm still vaguely afraid I might have made poison--that you pretty much <i>can't</i> get drunk off of this concoction. So yeah, it is an <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISXiFJS9D5A">abject failure</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Now, I don't wanna condemn the proud tradition of hombrewing-- there's some people out there (I know a couple) who make delicious things. But if you're gonna do it, don't go by a website from ten years ago that still uses frames and encourages you to use a rinsed-out milk jug (because it's free!).<br />
<b> </b><br />
And that's why I can't go to prison. I just have certain standards about my wine.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-30170368921349313092010-08-28T21:52:00.000-07:002010-08-28T21:52:07.116-07:00Richard's Wild Irish Rose (Red)Welp, back to the grindstone. No more weird Eastern-European stuff, no more light, vaguely alcoholic stuff. It is time for the last, unvanquished Bumwine, one of the legendaries. I've worked my way through six other classic hobowines (and the sub-standard Orange Driver, whatever the hell it counted as), now I've got a big (full-liter) bottle of Wild Irish Rose staring me down before I can say I've cleared all of 'em out.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/162303-analyzing-no-more-heroes-2-part-2-the-bosses-part-2/RenderMargaret-620x.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/162303-analyzing-no-more-heroes-2-part-2-the-bosses-part-2/RenderMargaret-620x.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Orange Driver is <a href="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/162303-analyzing-no-more-heroes-2-part-2-the-bosses-part-2/IllustrationMimmy-620x.jpg">Mimmy</a>. Also this metaphor works because Margaret is brutal to get through.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> Oh, oh. And I just finished watching Season 4 of <i>Dexter</i> (which is a barrel of laughs, let me tell you), so I am in an extra bottle-drainy mood. So come Wild Irish Rose--number one, here I come.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
Not that bad, actually. It's second to MD 20/20 as the most wine-y looking of the Rogue's gallery of bumwine. Mostly red-colored, vaguely purple, and a little too light to be actual wine, but if it was in a bottle it could pass for port or sherry maybe. It does look just a little sugary, though. That said, MD red was honestly the second-hardest to drink after Thunderbird, so that doesn't tell us much.<br />
<br />
When I was talking to my dad once--a former Wyoming bartender, so you know he's seen some shit--about this kind of stuff, his response was "you've actually <i>had</i> Thunderbird? Tastes kind of like diesel, doesn't it?" It was kind of a sweet father-son moment.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Shows/A_F/Da_Dh/Dexter/season1/dexter-graye15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Shows/A_F/Da_Dh/Dexter/season1/dexter-graye15.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dammit Jasper! You drink by The Code!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>NOSE</b><br />
Ah, WIR, you betray yourself. Much like the Irish, your facade of acceptability fades upon closer examination-- or upon smelling.You might pass for civilized in dim light, but as soon as that bottle opens I know you for the filth you really are.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://l.yimg.com/eb/ymv/us/img/hv/photo/movie_pix/first_look/the_proposition/_group_photos/john_hurt2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="207" src="http://l.yimg.com/eb/ymv/us/img/hv/photo/movie_pix/first_look/the_proposition/_group_photos/john_hurt2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Good wine...is very sweet, my brother."<br />
"Aye. Good wine is very sweet. But you're not me brother."</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>There's actually not that much aroma to it, but what there is is pretty much pure vinegar and floor polish. There's a little bit of that red-candy sugary smell that marks the really low-grade stuff, but this follows just behind Thunderbird in terms of unpalatable smell. (Out of the bumwines, at least-- bad liquor has a bad smell all its own). (I really didn't like Thunderbird. Can you tell?)<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THnWv6gT6sI/AAAAAAAAAEk/9iq4GisPWp8/s1600/fuckbleedman.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="166" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THnWv6gT6sI/AAAAAAAAAEk/9iq4GisPWp8/s400/fuckbleedman.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hate Thunderbird as much as I hate this image.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <b>TASTE</b><br />
At its most basic, like fruit, grape, sugar, and poison.<b> </b>If I didn't know that this was going to taste awful and instead expected something actually natural-flavored I'd be fucking worried.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THnYBBUmKrI/AAAAAAAAAEs/pEelFaZ5YQk/s1600/piedetail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THnYBBUmKrI/AAAAAAAAAEs/pEelFaZ5YQk/s320/piedetail.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Making me more competent than Gotham PD.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Oh, do I need to be more specific? Do your journalistic standards demand it? I can't pull a W.R. Hearst and just insinuate and fabricate and smash our foreheads together to get the information into your skull faster? I have to do <i>actual journalism?</i> (Wait? Do I? I'm too deep to know what's real and what's the joke anymore).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THncJreTEqI/AAAAAAAAAE0/l90n8r_4PmY/s1600/drhearst.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THncJreTEqI/AAAAAAAAAE0/l90n8r_4PmY/s320/drhearst.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Citizen Who</i> OR "FAB-RI-CATE! FAB-RI-CATE!"OR "I hate Wild Irish Rose. Wild Irish Rose isn't cool."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>(I want you to know I was just going to do an <i>Inception</i> joke there but I took the time to MS Paint William Hearst as a Timelord, because I am dedicated to my craft.)<br />
<br />
Okay, well look, have you <i>seen</i> the Season 4 <i>Dexter </i>finale? I just watched it, like two and a half hours ago. And logically I should be drinking more because when I watched it the first time I had to sit there for a while to catch my breath and rewatch parts of it and then go upstairs and have myself a bit of a cry. And I'm still barely into this bottle at all.<br />
<br />
Okay. Okay. Give me a minute. Maybe take that minute to, I dunno, look at pictures of kittens or something nice.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://hwhills.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/rsz_dexterpremerilithgrow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://hwhills.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/rsz_dexterpremerilithgrow.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Whatever the opposite of this is.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Okay, all that said this is probably the most chuggable of all the bumwine I've had, so at least it accomplishes its mission. But that's like how at the end of <i>Metal Slug</i> you still accomplish your mission, because you leave behind an army of corpses, get earth invaded by Martians, puke blood for a while and some guy gets eaten by a killer whale.<br />
<br />
Not really a fair comparison because Metal Slug is <i>fucking awesome</i> though, and this isn't. So maybe it's like how, at the end of <i>One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest</i>, Jack Nicholson actually does end up adjusting to the mental institution.<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://videogametalk.com/images/uploads/screenshots/103_fullsize.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://videogametalk.com/images/uploads/screenshots/103_fullsize.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: rad.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://bestuff.com/images/images_of_stuff/210x600/one-flew-over-the-cuckoos-nest-ending-10836.jpg?1173810768" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://bestuff.com/images/images_of_stuff/210x600/one-flew-over-the-cuckoos-nest-ending-10836.jpg?1173810768" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: not rad at all.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> There's a really strong grape juice/cranberry candy flavor at the beginning (because W.I.R. is "100% grape with citrus spirits"), and then that bitterness and vaguely ill backwash. It tastes a lot--<i>a lot</i>--like bile, or maybe that's just, I don't know, my bile. It goes down easy enough, but after a big gulp you don't really want to drink more of it. (GAY JOKE HERE). There's also this very faint aftertaste, after everything else goes away, of blood and spit, although that might just be-- well, I guess what I'm saying is that the wine itself tastes like candy, but the aftertaste tastes like the aftertaste of swallowing glass.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.thementalshed.com/movies/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/archer-fx-tv2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://www.thementalshed.com/movies/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/archer-fx-tv2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And I don't know if they grade glass, but if they do...coarse.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Honestly though, it might still be the most drinkable hobo wine I've tasted yet. The only hard part of the drinking is the swallowing, which does hurt and gives you a grimace that's the exact opposite feeling of whisky shivers. This is not at all to say that it's good, but, like Night Train (which I've got soft feelings for, as I drank half a bottle with friends, made pineapple nachos, and watched Van Damme's magnificently tardo <i>Cyborg</i>), it'll do the job if you don't mind the slimy aftertaste and the bootleg flavor. <br />
<br />
I had an elaborate masturbation joke there originally, but I'm gonna be classy and just leave it to your imagination.<br />
<br />
It's a relatively nice buzz, too. The kind of buzz where I listen to cabaret music and google screenshots from <i>Secretary</i>, not the Thunderbird kind where I wander down to the grill on the corner at 1 am and my friends talk about their exes (see: T-bird).<br />
<br />
So yeah, this isn't good, but it's a nice high standard for bumwine. Kind of like how John Merrick was hella deformed but still a classy guy. (Yes, that's the second Elephant Man joke I've made. As a side note, the Lynch film is a really underrrated classic-- it's not weird and hallucinatory, but it's still clearly his work and Hurt is absolutely incredible in it). So I'm not gonna recommend it-- if you have the five bucks a liter bottle costs you just get actual cheap wine for that price or a couple little sampler bottles of liquor--but if, like me, you consider yourself a travel guide to the tourism of the land of misery, you could do worse. You could do Thunderbird.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_B-AZDOEY4HI/Sk-wSddhkWI/AAAAAAAAARc/tojhd56b_Zk/s1600/Jack_Terricloth_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_B-AZDOEY4HI/Sk-wSddhkWI/AAAAAAAAARc/tojhd56b_Zk/s320/Jack_Terricloth_1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like I said, I'm in a cabaret kind of mood. So here's Jack Terricloth, both because <i>Addicted to Bad Ideas</i> is tied with <i>Tallahassee</i> as the official Gutrottin' album and because I think he'd really like the second-to-most-recent sentence.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
Wow, this review sorta ballooned. Like a tumor. Or a balloon. It is sort of my farewell to bumwine-- I don't doubt that I'll return (I think I may even round up my roommate and my girlfriend to revisit Thunderbird), but I've now tried all the major brands. I haven't done the white Wild Irish Rose yet, so that may be in the future. The distant, awful, future. But I gotta say, this is better than Mad Dog. It's in the Night Train category of "shit I wouldn't ever be in the mood for but might drink again to save money." Although, seriously, a five-dollar bottle of Riesling is still pretty decent. There's really no excuse besides abject poverty.<b> </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-20906954147524432252010-08-22T13:34:00.000-07:002010-08-22T13:34:22.594-07:00SPECIAL: [Name Unknown] PelinkovacAs of the vile, vile affair that was Cossack vodka, I now officially have done twenty-five different reviews over the past several months, making that review a pretty big milestone for this blog. That's twenty-five different bottles, ranging from non-alcoholic Busch to 100-proof banana hitler choked down by yours truly. And today is the last day of my summer vacation.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THF973AUYGI/AAAAAAAAAEM/loNkBQimdCY/s1600/pelinkovac.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THF973AUYGI/AAAAAAAAAEM/loNkBQimdCY/s320/pelinkovac.png" /></a>So I thought I'd hunt out something special. There's no brand name or title on this bottle, just PELINKOVAC (which is the type of liqueur) and bottling information, with a drawing of a feudal-era Slavic girl offering you a bottle (which, inexplicably, is also named in English like a weird, Escherian recursive hooch label). There was only one bottle left at the local ABC store, and a sign under it reading "Discontinued." Plus, I don't even know what a Croatian apertif is doing here in Carolina, so for all I know I've got the only bottle in the state. I've never seen it anywhere before-- never even heard of Pelinkovac, period --and when I saw that strange, lonely bottle I knew there was nothing in the world I wanted to review more.<br />
<br />
Pelinkovac is, according to the sources I looked up, a liqueur native to Serbia, Croatia, and the Bosnian region, traditionally distilled from wormwood (which, in Ukrainian, is <i>chernobyl</i>-- the first of many good signs) and flavored with herbs and various bitters. It seems like it's sort of the Serbo-Croatia-Bosnian answer to Malort, which, given Malort's reputation, seems like a very, very, very, bad idea.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THF_C2JDg0I/AAAAAAAAAEU/1E0XRyH2jAQ/s1600/niko.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/THF_C2JDg0I/AAAAAAAAAEU/1E0XRyH2jAQ/s320/niko.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Serbia's answer to Mario, for comparison.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Don't worry, I'm going to try to refrain from just making a GTAIV clusterfuck of an entry. That said--<i> I was in a war; let's see if this liquor means anything to me</i>.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
It's colored with caramel, so I really shouldn't even talk here. That said, from looking up some legitimate brands, it seems like Pelinkovac should be darker than this. The liquid inside the generic bottle is fairly translucent with an amber, slightly orange tint to it. It's the consistency of water, so it's not sluggish or strangely thick, which is simultaneously reassuring and disappointing. I should be happy it looks so threatening, but I'm a little worried that it's not even stranger-- its attempts at normalcy, besides being artificial, don't really hide anything, they just make me a little more afraid.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.teamsugar.com/files/users/1/13839/45_2007/dexter_205_0331.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://images.teamsugar.com/files/users/1/13839/45_2007/dexter_205_0331.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">26 reviews in and I'm still not above using the most convoluted setup possible for a throw-away pop culture reference. I really will contort the flow of my comedy and stifle an actually creative observation just to make a gag about television. You know, like <i>Family Guy</i>.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <b>NOSE</b><br />
<b> </b>Man, considering the last 3 reviews have been vodka, cheap tequila-soda, and malt liquor, I'm honestly lucky to have something that <i>has</i> a real aroma to talk about. Because, trust me, there is an aroma here. There's a really strong cinnamon note-- hot, spicy cinnamon, like in Big Red or Goldschlager. But there's a lot of really herbal and fruit flavors under it: fennel, anise, pear, and pepper all spring to mind. There's also some of that savory bitterness that I assume must be the wormwood (or <i>vermut</i> in German-- hence vermouth! I'm gonna get that funding yet!), since it's also really prevalent in the absinthe I've had. It's a shame the cinnamon is so strong, because the rest of these flavors are actually kinda nice, but the cinnamon is really intense--clearly more than it should be in bottles that don't cost ten dollars --and also smells really candy-like and artificial. Given that I really like the other scents there, this overpowering artificial aroma is the equivalent of taking a talented, subtle actor and wrapping him in pancake makeup and distractingly over-the-top costume work.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.coloursandlight.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/alice-in-wonderland-johnny-depp-photos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://www.coloursandlight.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/alice-in-wonderland-johnny-depp-photos.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Goddammit Tim Burton stop doing that to your friend. Also get another friend.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>TASTE (STRAIGHT)</b><br />
First the good news: the artificial atomic-fireball-cinnamon flavor is not nearly as strong in sipping as it is in smelling.<br />
<b> </b><br />
Bad news: this stuff is not good to you.<br />
<br />
It honestly doesn't taste that bad; it may be the most palatable thing I've reviewed (short of the beers) for this blog. There's a lot of the herbal flavors there that Jagermeister and absinthe have, but it's not as syrupy-sweet as the former or as licorice-y as the latter. It's a lot more bitter than either, though, and that's where the bad news comes in.<br />
<br />
Wormwood, apparently, is a fairly lasting flavor, because after everything else fades there's this really strong woody bitterness that lurks around the back of your throat.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://unrealitymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/woody-redemption.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://unrealitymag.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/woody-redemption.jpg" width="274" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Silly Internet, that's not what I meant!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It's pretty much what I would imagine Croatia tastes like, and whether or not that's good is up to you. I honestly kinda like it. It's weird and I don't know if it tastes particularly <i>good</i>, but hey-- I'd honestly recommend trying to find a bottle, if only so you can experience it. It's honestly the strangest and most unique thing I've reviewed, and if it's not terrible, at least it's weird. Just be warned that a large gulp is gonna make you queasy and a little ill. And then you realize that you are a poor wretch, and should have found a better way to live.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-79969580141090527132010-08-07T21:12:00.000-07:002010-08-07T21:12:56.216-07:00GR North: Cossack Vodka (w/ Tyler Lee-Moore)Greetings from Gutrotter North Office, based out of sunny Someverville MA, just south of the Cambridge municipal border. And boy do we have a winner for you tonight: Cossack vodka, distilled right here in Somerville and costing only ten dollars for a full liter (and liquor is expensive here, since the state doesn't own the business).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://bioshock.neoseeker.com/w/i/bioshock/9/95/Ryan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://bioshock.neoseeker.com/w/i/bioshock/9/95/Ryan.jpg" width="182" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>WRONG AGAIN, ANDY.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
This is something that you probably can't even find outside of the Boston area-- and I really doubt you'd want to try. So let's dive right into this Cossack.<br />
<br />
<b>LOOK</b><br />
<b> </b>I can't say much about the way vodka looks. I only put this section in because of my near-autistic devotion to pattern.<br />
<br />
That said, my good buddy Tyler points out that it doesn't move the way vodka (or fucking <i>anything</i>) should-- it's not that cold but it still sloshes around a little too thickly, too syrupy. Like an alien imitation of real vodka. Come from way out beyond the stars.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.brooklynvegan.com/img/music/mountaingoats/masonic/9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.brooklynvegan.com/img/music/mountaingoats/masonic/9.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>To kill us kill us KILL US WHERE WE STAND / they'll store our livers in Mason Jars.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Also, there's a little Cossack on the bottleneck. (And can I say that honestly, given Western views of vodka, it's a little weird to name it after a society that was at times fairly anti-Russian and usually anti-Soviet? And that one time, pro-Nazi? [gutrotter.blogspot.com: the thinking man's poison reviewer])<br />
<br />
Oh also, on a very much related note, since our women have left us to ourselves, I'm drinking mine with heart-shaped ice cubes. <br />
<br />
<b>NOSE</b><br />
Not much of one honestly. If you jam your nose down in your tumbler (we are drinking out of Irish crystal tumblers because we are <i>gentlemen</i>) you can smell the usual burn and diesel fumes, but it's really not much worse than some good vodkas. Still worse though.<br />
<br />
The little heart-shaped ice cubes are melting.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://files.myopera.com/Scattergood66/albums/359134/dead_trotsky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://files.myopera.com/Scattergood66/albums/359134/dead_trotsky.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Trotskii is Sadskii.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Hey, you know what smells good? The Flying Dog Raging Bitch I'm using as a chaser. WHICH I JUST OPENED WITH A HUNTING KNIFE. WE DON'T NEED WOMEN ROUND HERE.<br />
<br />
(Tomorrow on Gutrotter North: Tyler and Jasper exploit their Massachusetts location and get married).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TF4Ub2YfgFI/AAAAAAAAAD8/I-J0BX9vbb0/s1600/Photo_00003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TF4Ub2YfgFI/AAAAAAAAAD8/I-J0BX9vbb0/s320/Photo_00003.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>To find my "wooden leg"</i></td></tr>
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<br />
<b>TASTE (STRAIGHT) (UNLIKE US. ANYMORE.)</b><br />
Alcohol and water.<br />
<br />
There's this weird sweaty syrupiness to it though. Tyler compares it to vodka sipped from a leather boot, whereas I compare it to horse. So I guess it's true enough to the name. Truer than the Cossacks were to any political power (LEARN, dammit! Otherwise I lose government funding. I'm technically listed under edutainment, I just can't afford a .org address). Tyler and I are <i>preeeetty... </i>sure that the issue here arises from distillation: the thickness, weird sugary taste and vaguely dehydrating burn all point to this only being once-distilled alcohol with a lot of grain and poison lurking around. There is just so much more awful hidden in this bottle than there chemically should be. THANKS BOSTON.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/9r29nVHY7SA/0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.ytimg.com/vi/9r29nVHY7SA/0.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>YAH WELCOME, JAHSPAH.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>TASTE (MIXED)</b><br />
First off, being that we are in the Northeast and also <i>what, on your fucking period?</i> we mixed it with cranberry juice.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://thepulplist.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/the-departed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://thepulplist.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/the-departed.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tune in next week, when we just transcribe all of <i>The Departed</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b> </b>Yeah, it pretty much just tastes like cranberry juice. We need to reinforce this: it's not the worst, but it is <i>fucking boring</i>. Like Tyler. A <i>boring fuck.</i> There's no flavor beyond the flavor of pure alcohol, which, despite what you might guess, is not a flavor I like. There's a bit of that leather and a bit of burn at the back of the throat, but I guess if you cut it with juice it goes down smooth enough. It's not Riva bad, but what is? Like King Cobra was to beer, this is to vodka: the way a child imagines it would taste.<br />
<br />
(Update: Raging Bitch still delicious).<br />
<br />
Vodka tonic is yeah, pretty much what you'd expect. It tastes like tonic water and lime juice. And some poison. (Alcohol is technically classified as a poison, making my therapist technically correct-- The best kind of correct!). I guess if you wanna buy cheap-ass vodka and celebrate your neighborhood, whatever, go for Cossack. It's probably the best cheap vodka I've reviewed, but it's still not good or really worth drinking. Just make weak cockatails, drink 'em like soda, and, I don't know, get gay-married or something. Worked for us.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TF4uQa6gnyI/AAAAAAAAAEE/BflVrZsNSPc/s1600/Photo_00005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6U61Hkc4Nvw/TF4uQa6gnyI/AAAAAAAAAEE/BflVrZsNSPc/s320/Photo_00005.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"On the day that I forget you / I hope my heart explodes."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4817978623957311058.post-59299696277765249002010-07-27T17:38:00.000-07:002010-07-27T17:38:35.285-07:00El Jimado Canned PalomaWhy in God's name would you make a tequila cocktail in a can and only make it 5 percent alcohol? Who in their right mind has ever said "oh, no thanks, I'm trying to just get a nice buzz going. Just tequila for me." And why would you throw together substandard agave juice and grapefruit soda into said can and sell it for 2 dollars when I could get the same buzz for a buck's worth of PBR and it wouldn't taste like a cactus hooker?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://sexykins.tumblr.com/photo/1280/638616254/1/tumblr_l33kzdopRM1qa2ip8" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://sexykins.tumblr.com/photo/1280/638616254/1/tumblr_l33kzdopRM1qa2ip8" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yep. Typical Tuesday night here at the Department of Skullduggery.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>LOOK</b><br />
It really, really seems like a waste to pour this out of the can. In it's in a can for a reason. What am I gonna do, mix it with scotch? (NO. No I am not. That's like if in <i>Pretty in Pink</i> Molly Ringwald had slept with that awful 80's friend of hers).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://daisyfairbanks.typepad.com/.a/6a00e5508f18158833011571e9d96c970b-800wi" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://daisyfairbanks.typepad.com/.a/6a00e5508f18158833011571e9d96c970b-800wi" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And I am Harry Dean Stanton, shaking my fist at the heavens. But not in this movie. <i>Repo Man</i> Stanton.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b> </b>Alright, fine. But first let me say that the can is awful looking. It looks like budget soda-- specifically, like the store-brand version of Sprite from some chain based out of the Dakotas that found a niche market in selling caffeine-free soda to Mormons.<br />
<br />
The soda itself is mostly clear, but kind of gray and cloudy. Like really terrible municipal tapwater or Mute, reproachful, the faint color of wetted ashes. A bowl of white china had stood beside her deathbed holding the green sluggish bile which she had torn up from her rotting liver by fits of loud groaning vomiting. You could have knelt down, damn it, Kinch, when your dying mother asked you, Buck Mulligan said. I'm hyperborean as much as you. But to think of your mother begging you with her last breath to kneel down and pray for her. And you refused. There is something sinister in you ...<br />
<br />
Wha- sorry. Sorry bout that. But yes, there is something sinister about El Jimado.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://rjdent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/james-joyce.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://rjdent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/james-joyce.jpg" width="234" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"How wonderful to fuck a farting woman." Man, Joyce would have <i>loved</i> tequila.</td></tr>
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<b>NOSE</b><br />
<b> </b>Well, this pretty much smells like grapefruit soda, which is what 90% of this can is. There is a really faint mustiness down at the bottom of it though-- the vastly substandard tequila that is mixed in there waiting in a thing sheet under it-- "death beneath the skin" to quote from Egon Schiele's trial.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.leninimports.com/egon_schiele_gallery_6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.leninimports.com/egon_schiele_gallery_6.jpg" width="211" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What do you think: more or less pretentious than the Joyce reference?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b>TASTE</b><br />
I've never had a real Paloma-- apparently Mexicans drink them way more than they do Margaritas --and I'm not a big tequila fan in general (unless I can go all David Carradine and just sip it in the middle of the desert). So take my assessment with a grain of salt, but this really isn't very good. I'd say it tastes like eating cactus pulp out of a grapefruit rind, but that would<b> </b>imply something clean and natural, whereas this is more processed and industrialized than modern-day punk imagery<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.ocweekly.com/heardmentality/3941414816_a875867432.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://blogs.ocweekly.com/heardmentality/3941414816_a875867432.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The tumor they pulled out of Blake Schwarzenbach's throat wouldn't even drink this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>No, this is to tequila and grapefruit juice what 7-up is to fresh lemonade, or what those jugs of TGI Friday's White Russians are to a real handmade one (how do those even work? It's like fifty percent heavy cream and they just keep them on shelves). It also combines the worst aspects of tequila and grapefruit's pungency to be really puckering and dehydrating, and that is just awful. I've said it before, but nothing that you drink should make you thirstier.<br />
<br />
<b>FINAL THOUGHTS</b><br />
In the end, though, it's not terrible. If you want a buzz and you don't want cheap beer, I guess you could drink it. I just have a pretty huge thing against pre-bottled cocktails anyway-- there's two ingredients in a paloma, and it's pretty much designed for a few people to kill a dozen over the course of an afternoon. Get some friends, but a bottle of something and make your own.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>NOT. THOSE. FRIENDS.</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0