Monday, March 29, 2010

Issue 3: Everclear Purple Passion

Everclear Purple Passion. This is a thing. This is a thing, which they make. It comes in tiny, one-serving bottles which look exactly like cough syrup bottles that have "grape" printed absolutely nowhere on them. BECAUSE IT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE EVEN AN IMITATION OF GRAPE.

Weirdest of all, it's only 26 proof. I have wine as strong as this. What is the point of putting Everclear in something if it will only get you as drunk as a glass of wine? That's it's one strength! If I wanted a mild buzz, I wouldn't be drinking Everclear. That's like putting Christopher Walken in a romantic comedy!

"To me, you are perfect."

So while this may not necessarily be the worst, it's the most ill-advised and nonsensical drink I've reviewed for this blog. Christ, even the cast of Always Sunny mixed their own riot punch.

It looks like fucking Grape Drink, is what it looks like. Only not. Because Grape Drink is purple all over, and there's somehow a faint gray tinge for this, or a really dark navy blue. How do you not get grape drink right?

Even Kentucky Gentleman or Riva looked like it might be vaguely distinguished or at least used for purposes other than getting smashed. Even my attempts to make it look classy still look like I am an alcoholic ten-year-old.

Pictured: class.

It smells kind of like a purple (not grape) Freez-Pop. I'd say that this would make it great for getting your kid drunk (or someone else's kid--I review rotgut for a hobby, I am not going to judge you), but it also smells kind of like really musty cheese underneath the sugary purple flavor. So good for getting a French kid drunk, maybe so you can lecture him on why he thinks he's all that, but he's not all that.

I know that logically, anything with Everclear in it really should just exist for the sole purpose of getting you drunk. But if they're gonna make it wine-strength, I am going to judge it like wine.

At first it really does taste just like a Freez-Pop, but then it gets worse. I logically do not know how. I'm pretty sure you could just add Everlcear to melted Freez-Pops and it would taste better than this. There's not really a burn here, just a really strong musty bitterness. Like bile. My mouth really puckers up whenever I take a sip, and it only tastes good for a fraction of a second. Then, an awful swelling of terrible at the back of my throat, meaning I guess that the addition of Grapedrank has simply expedited the Everclear drinking process.

This is a bad idea even by the standards of people who would willingly mix Kool-Aid and rubbing alcohol.
Charlie doesn't approve, and he can't even read this blog.


  1. If Christoper Walken told me I was perfect, dressed like that, I might just marry him on the spot.

    But then again I am baked like a potato right now.

  2. if by "freez-pop" you mean antifreez-pop, yes.
    i may have been raised to finish my peas, but that last sip should have been used to fend off stray bears downtown.

    what i am saying is purple passion does not an adventurous evening make... bears do.

  3. When I was a tennager, Everclear was the "Badass" alcohol. Purple passion cam out when wine coolers did. I remember when. Can't imagine wanting to drink it now. Cool review.

  4. Purple Passion was sold in 2 liter bottles back when I was in high school. Two LITERS of Everclear. And it was cheap.... = Purple Passion was the shiznit for high schoolers circa the 80s & 90s ;-)

  5. Purple Passion was the BOMB DIGGITY back in the 80's.... Ooh, loved that stuff, where might I find some more today?!?!?!?!?!?!

  6. Purple Passion was the BOMB DIGGITY back in the 80's.... Ooh, loved that stuff, where might I find some more today?!?!?!?!?!?!