NOW! Unbreakable Bottle
It is the only thing I have seen yet for this blog that is so unabashedly proud of its cheapness and low quality, presumably because the people drinking, selling, and making Popov know that, at the end of the night, the bottle will be thrown across the room or weaponized.
Will you tell my son...what time his father drank Popov?
It also brags about how remarkably smooth it is, but fuck. that. noise.
It's clear and water-looking, but it may have the worst-looking label of the cheap vodkas I've tasted. It looks like a high-school illustration project: the backdrop is clearly a stock photo with the contrast cranked up, the font is too small for thick outlining, and all the colors clash. This really is the least-appetizing looking bottle I've reviewed.
It smells like vodka, only moreso than vodka should. It's the same sweetness and alcohol and mild pepper aroma four times over. It doesn't have much beyond the basic nail polish/alcohol smell, but it is so overbearingly strong compared to that mild haze that Stolichnaya has. It's the difference between a beauty mark and a dripping face tumor-- one of degree, not of quality. If smelling Stoli is like kissing Marilyn Monroe, snorting Popov is like finding some particularly attractive face-fold on the Elephant Man and just cramming your tongue in there.
hhheey thar shexhy
At first it tastes downright bearable-- watery, and thin, sure, but not awful.
At first. The aftertaste on this truly is something special-- incredibly chemical, bittersweet, and pretty much literally vomitous. There's actually different lays of aftertaste, from the first swell that tastes like nail-polish remover to the lingering film that feels like my stomach trying to claw its way up to freedom. Like peeling away the layers on an onion, if an onion was mate of hatred and sorrow.
Come to think of it, what am I doing here?
Actually, you know what? I'm gonna see if the metaphors I keep using are true. I am gonna make a tiny half-shot of rubbing alcohol and tap water and see if there's any significant difference between that and Popov. Be right back.
So, how does a few drops of isopropyl and tapwater compare? (Seriously-- just a few drops, they put puke drugs in there so that kids won't drink it, making this the first time I have literally ingested poison for you jackals). Pretty well. It obviously tastes more like poison and less palatable, but it also doesn't ave that mouth-puckering aftertaste. I'd say I'm probably better off with Popov, though.
I can't believe I just did that. Where the fuck have I come to in life?
Threw some brine and vodka in a shot glass with an olive, and it pretty much tastes like the sea. Not in a romantic, sailor-y way. Like all the awful stuff in the ocean condensed into one delicious shot.
Yeah, there's not really much I can say that'll be funnier than "Now! Unbreakable Bottle"