Thursday, June 17, 2010

Amarito Amaretto

Hello all. It's been a while since I gutrot for real-- the Week of Bumwine took a lot out of me (at some point, getting drunk on hobo-juice every night stopped being fn. Imagine that!). So I thought I'd start things nce and slow-- picked up a bottle of amaretto liqueur, gonna see how that goes. It was 6 dollars for a 750 ml bottle (roughly 1/4 of what, say, a nice bottle of Red Label would have cost), and is only about as alcoholic as wine.

It also comes from my old nemesis, Kentucky (see: Riva, KY Gentleman, Inver House). So, being Kentucky and NotBourbon (the worst kind of Kentucky liquor), it is going to be bad. The maker doesn't list Amarito on its website, and it does list Fighting Cock, so that should serve as a forewarning of the awful. So me and my wonderful girl are going to go at it.
Worse than this.

Nope. I'm not even going to review this section. The bottle says "caramel color added," so it doesn't matter how good this looks, it's not going to tell me anything how bad it will taste. The bottle could look like a bottle of Laphroaig inside Helena Bonham Carter and it still wouldn't be appetizing, because it's a damn trap for whatever awful thing is lurking in here.

If there actually was a bottle of Scotch in this picture this blog would be over now. And I would be single. And I wouldn't notice.

Pretty much entirely like sugar. There's almost no other flavor there beyonf the sweetness and faint alcohol and synthetic-fruit flavors. There's no hint of, y'know, almonds. Maybe it's because I've been reading a lot of Anais Nin lately (it's like porn, but you feel smart!), but I can't help but compare this to the perfume of a cheap Parisian prostitute. Whoremusk. And, like the other sugary cordials I've reviewed in the past, the smell is overpowering and creeps out of this bottle like an ancient evil just unlocked.
Amaretto of the Colossus.

Again, there's a noticeable lack of any almond flavor here. Or fruit flavor. It tastes like really bad light rum cut with water-- more like pancake syrup than actual liquor. I really cannot think of any reason you would drink this straight. Much like the fact that Gary Glitter was, at one point, taken somewhat seriously, it is absolutely inexpicable. 
No one would have thought the Vietnamese had a limit on kiddie-diddlin', but Gary glitter found it.

 Mixed it up with some water and lemon juice to see if that would help, and, to be honest, it kinda does. It actually tastes a little nice now, although it says something that the Amarito is so sickly sweet I could use half a lemon and it doesn't taste bitter at all.

I'd have to recommend this as the way to drink it if you have to, but the thing is this: there's so little flavor beyond the sugary-sweetness that this just tastes like lemonade with a drop or two of almond extract in it, and the entire glass has maybe a fifth of an ounce of alcohol in it. Plus it looks like milky, cloudy sewer water. So, the best way to drink Amarito is a way that almost completely eliminates the flavor of it.

Plus, if you have a couple sugar cubes and half a lemon and you wanna get buzzed, there is no excuse for not making yourself a vodka sling. Those things are scrumptious.

 Since straight the stuff tastes like a clown choked down a cotton candy truck and promptly vomited, the addition of coffee means there's nowhere to go but up, right? NO. LAME SAUCE. A waste of perfectly fine coffee! This amaretto might as well be the offal at the end of the jarred maraschino cherries. And despite the desperate need for a bad likker blaaag, that's all that need be said. THE END.

This plays inside Glynis's head, all the time.

For starters, I just watched Glynis type, elete, and retype GOOD NIGHT FAGS like ten times before deciding on the more appropriate ending. Do not let her fool you. 

Amarito's not terrible gutrot, honestly, for amaretto-- which I don't like to begin with. But, in the nd, I have absoltely no reason to recommend it. It won't get you drunk enough to be worth the taste, and it doesn't taste like anything more than water, sugar, and a drop of fake flavoring. Good enough to ease myelf back into the game, I guess-- expect a return to truly wretched form some time next week.


  1. This was actually funny. I laughed all the way through it. Some things are fine cheap, but amaretto is not one of them. It is weird that the most expensive actually gets the best reviews, and the cheap indeed are terrible.

  2. Your writing is so much fun. On the topic of Amarito Amaretto, I pretty much agree with your review. This will not stop me from momentarily attempting to substitute it for orgeat syrup in a man tai.