Saturday, June 26, 2010

Popov Vodka

Popov Vodka comes in a plastic bottle. There is a banner across the top that reads as follows:

NOW! Unbreakable Bottle

It is the only thing I have seen yet for this blog that is so unabashedly proud of its cheapness and low quality, presumably because the people drinking, selling, and making Popov know that, at the end of the night, the bottle will be thrown across the room or weaponized.

 Will you tell my son...what time his father drank Popov?

It also brags about how remarkably smooth it is, but fuck. that. noise.
LOOK
It's clear and water-looking, but it may have the worst-looking label of the cheap vodkas I've tasted. It looks like a high-school illustration project: the backdrop is clearly a stock photo with the contrast cranked up, the font is too small for thick outlining, and all the colors clash.  This really is the least-appetizing looking bottle I've reviewed.
NOSE
It smells like vodka, only moreso than vodka should. It's the same sweetness and alcohol and mild pepper aroma four times over. It doesn't have much beyond the basic nail polish/alcohol smell, but it is so overbearingly strong compared to that mild haze that Stolichnaya has. It's the difference between a beauty mark and a dripping face tumor-- one of degree, not of quality. If smelling Stoli is like kissing Marilyn Monroe, snorting Popov is like finding some particularly attractive face-fold on the Elephant Man and just cramming your tongue in there.

hhheey thar shexhy

TASTE (STRAIGHT)
At first it tastes downright bearable-- watery, and thin, sure, but not awful.

At first. The aftertaste on this truly is something special-- incredibly chemical, bittersweet, and pretty much literally vomitous. There's actually different lays of aftertaste, from the first swell that tastes  like nail-polish remover to the lingering film that feels like my stomach trying to claw its way up to freedom. Like peeling away the layers on an onion, if an onion was mate of hatred and sorrow.

Come to think of it, what am I doing here?

Actually, you know what? I'm gonna see if the metaphors I keep using are true. I am gonna make a tiny half-shot of rubbing alcohol and tap water and see if there's any significant difference between that and Popov. Be right back. 

So, how does a few drops of isopropyl and tapwater compare? (Seriously-- just a few drops, they put puke drugs in there so that kids won't drink it, making this the first time I have literally ingested poison for you jackals). Pretty well. It obviously tastes more like poison and less palatable, but it also doesn't ave that mouth-puckering aftertaste. I'd say I'm probably better off with Popov, though.

I can't believe I just did that. Where the fuck have I come to in life?

TASTE (MIXED)

Dirty Martini
Threw some brine and vodka in a shot glass with an olive, and it pretty much tastes like the sea. Not in a romantic, sailor-y way. Like all the awful stuff in the ocean condensed into one delicious shot.
  Yummo!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Yeah, there's not really much I can say that'll be funnier than "Now! Unbreakable Bottle" 

48 comments:

  1. I think "NOW! Unbreakable bottle!" should be a Pokemon attack.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Filling up the blog with useless hyperbole and not substantive commentary on the best vodka to EVER be produced (if you disagree I will chop off your head) is a sin that can never be forgiven. If you drink 7 1.75 liter bottles a day for 7 days, then maybe we can talk. If not, good luck. You WILL regret this stupid action.

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    2. Hey SwalesT'shooth, shut your stupid fucking mouth. Maybe if there was Popov in the Pokemon universe that would be relevant, but there's not so you're ultimately a dumb fuck.

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    3. I support that conclusion and will bring it back to the HOLY POPOV CHURCH. Pokemon aren't real, popov is. Therefore your comment was really immature and a bad example of internet trolling for everyone trying to seriously get and post information on the best vodka available, which happens to be POPOV.

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    4. Pope Popov VII, thank you for your fulfilling your duties as our religious leader. You are a holy man and I foresee that you will live to be 1,000 if you continue to drink Popov, the greatest vodka ever, for the rest of your life

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  2. Just wondering - do you drink it slowly, sipping the vodka?

    Because I'm from Russia, and we have a culture of drinking vodka and other 40% vol. alcohol just downing the shots. And the choice of a chaser is _decisive_. So basically the taste of vodka is evaluated differently - the brief taste, the smoothness with which the drink goes down, and yes, the aftertaste.

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    Replies
    1. You are seriously asking for trouble Tushan. I will reign down oceans of Popov upon you for speaking ill of the holy liquid.

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    2. I got your back Pope Popov. Tushan, you better watch out. If you promise to drink a lot of Popov I will forgive you.

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    3. Wow Tushan the fact that you used flavor of shot in your argument proves your not even from Russia. I am in the army currently and will absolutely back up what the Popov President and Pope Popov VII have to say. We are waging an all out war on those who don't drink POPOV.

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  3. you sir are a freaking wordsmith a lyrical genius a cunning linguist you might say but.. are u a master debater? i have a special place in my heart for popov and granted it does not taste like a cosmotini or whatever ppl drink nowadays i think that if you have little money popov is the way to go compared to hawkeye vodka or any other cheap vodka.

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    Replies
    1. Regardless of money, popov is always #1, next question please. is Popov still undefeated?
      Duh, yes.

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    2. Never heard of hawkeye and don't ever write cheap and POPOV in the same sentence again you peasant. I hate non-POPOV believers.

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  4. Best blog post I've ever read. I drank this shit for the first time one time and ended up throwing it all up from how bad it tasted and then threw the half empty bottle (unbreakable) across the room, just as you predicted would happen. Touché, sir.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No this is the best blog post you have ever read. Popov can predict the future, this is what I have learned during my papal duties of drinking popov. I am number one sponsored popov master in all the land, going to kill you bro.

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    2. Hands down best blog post I have ever read Pope Popov VII. Tyler, here are some things I have learned since I've been in the army.

      1. POPOV is the favorite vodka of every single national army in the world. Dispute that fact, I dare you.

      2. I HAVE seen POPOV water boarding. Dispute that fact, I will douse you from head to toe in popov and shoot a flamethrower at you.

      3. POPOV is the best brand of vodka available, that's why Pope Popov VII and Popov President sent me and millions of others to shut up clowns like you.

      4. It's always a good idea to drive your car when your drinking POPOV.

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  5. In Canada we have RUSSIAN PRINCE vodka. Are there any differences between this and Popov?
    maritimerliq.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah there is one MAJOR difference, Popov is unbelievable and Russian Prince is absolute trash. Shame on you for even questioning this

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    2. Matitimer will live in eternal hell where popov water rains into his eyes

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  6. Popov tastes unbelievable and also leads to a really fun, carefree drunk. For example, one time me and my friends drank a lot of the 1.75L bottles and then started hiding the empty bottles in random places around our hotel room so when you would open the drawer to get a pair of socks BOOOM there's a bottle of Popov.

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    Replies
    1. Same shit happened to me. blacked out and BOOM 20 more bottles of Popov filling my motel room

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    2. The Popov black out is sublime. In my opinion better than sex or any other drug

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  7. I decree that all Popov is sacred holy vodka. If you disagree then you will be in big trouble with the church. I drink this every day on my drive into work. I am sponsored. If you want dope gear and merchandise than respect popov and don't undermine its legitimacy with rude and poorly thought out negative reviews.

    -Pope Popov VI

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree more Pope Popov, I think Popov is really a top notch brand and has A+ marketing. I would also like to get sponsored so I can drink Popov on the way to work too.

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    2. Yes Popov President, we ARE sponsored by POPOV. This makes us superior in every regard to everyone except for the POPOV GODS and the Prince of Popov, who is yet to reveal his full popov powers.

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  8. New Decree: Those who speak negatively of Popov will go to hell.

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  9. Replies
    1. Popov and adderall IS a really, truly unbelievable combination. I like to do ingest both of them first thing in the morning or right when I get to work.

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    2. I like to bring POPOV in my private jet and also fuel it with POPOV. I walk around the cabin and make sure the crew is constantly consuming POPOV and if they stop I beat them with my switch.

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  10. One day I hope that every single person exclusively drinks Popov, even little children and pregnant mothers!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Decree:
      When you start your automobile, open your popov handle.

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    2. My general golden rule is to always have some Popov handy for long drives, especially necessary in bad weather

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    3. When there is a bad snow storm, pray for popov. sometimes a bottle will appear in a snowbank.

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  11. Sometimes when it rains, I use my POPOV power and the power of popov compels the rain to turn to into 100% proof POPOV. Then i slowly walk around soaking up all its healing energy and I smite non-popov believers with my 10 liter popov sword

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  12. My favorite vodka is Popov because when I drink it I feel like I have superpowers like some kind of half-man, half-popov god

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    Replies
    1. Popov President, that is a natural reaction to drinking the best beverage ever to grace the planet of earth, or maybe even the universe, which was created by the Popov gods

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    2. My troops who use POPOV IVs are my most successful troops. They have POPOV brand molotov cocktail rockets and swig 5-10 1.75 liters per 30 min on top of the IVs.

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  13. Hi, I saw that a lot of activity about Popov and just wanted to say that I also think Popov is the best vodka that has ever and will ever exist. Popov President and Pope Popov, you guys are pioneers and I really admire and share your enthusiasm for Popov.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks King Popov the Drunk. You sound like a good candidate for the POPOV army, which wages war on anyone who has anything negative to say about POPOV. if they do, as I have promised to President Popov and Pope Popov VII, I will not stop until your entire bloodline has compromised. I will drip popov slowly into the eyes of your relatives as I take massive swigs from my 1.75 liter bottle which I will drink faster than any human other Pope Popov and Popov President who have done so much for the POPOV empire.

      Hail POPOV!

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  14. Popov President and Pope Popov VII-

    I am offering my services as Commander of the POPOV army. I can offer years of experience and typically consume between 7-10 1.75 liter bottles of POPOV every 12 hours. When I cry, popov comes out of my eyes, not tears. I only cry when I lose, which is never, because I fight for the right cause-POPOV.

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    Replies
    1. As king of the Popov empire, I would like to formally declare that we would like to enlist you as the General of the Popov army. In my opinion, our first course of action should be to eliminate any threats to our legitimate rule over all other vodkas. If you could organize a strategy to execute any other vodkas and their supporters, I will sign the papers to authorize lethal action

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  15. Replies
    1. I will speak with Surgeon General Popov to see if I can get this for you. I know he (accurately) thinks that Popov is the ultimate cure for all types of illnesses. He encourages daily consumption and I know for a fact that he drinks at least 4 1.75L per day. Since he began using Popov as the only medicine endorsed by the Empire, life expectancy has tripled and infant mortality has been reduced to -4%

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  16. My children were baptized in Popov and immediately were able to speak at an adult level of proficiency as well as lift up objects that weighed more than 50 Popov handles

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    Replies
    1. That is an amazing story King Popov, I will have to tell my army buddies.

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  17. Hey General Popov, want to meet up and drink some Popov?

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  18. Popov is flowing in the streets of Boston for this blessed year.

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    Replies
    1. Patriots and Popov are a dynasty that will last a 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 year

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