The Gutrotter: Thunderbird Cocktail Hour.

Today is an awful day.

THUNDERBIRD DAY!

Today we picked up a bottle of Thunderbird with the intent of making cocktails out of it. We're going to work with one of the worst things in the world--one of my greatest nemeses--and see how we can make it drinkable. We picked up some special ingredients that should be interesting to work with, and are gonna figure out the best way to drink Thunderbird.

The least awful way. The-- a way to drink Thunderbird.

CONTROL GROUP: T-BIRD PLAIN
Look: I've reviewed the Bird before, but as a recap: looks vaguely yellow and lymph-like. Not a lot of color. But what there is is bad.
Taste: Man, it's been too long since I've had the Bird because I was not ready for that. It tastes like diesel with sugarcubes and grapes mixed in. It's simultaneously bitter and sweet and chemical and, while not the worst, is the epitome of everything wrong with what I do for fun.

I think it was with Thunderbird that Gallo really came into its own, commercially and artistically.

THE BLUEBIRD
Special ingredient: This weird-as-hell bottled blue margarita that I picked up at the liquor store for two dollars. What makes it so strange is that it's not a real margarita--it has regular triple sec, not blue curacao. It's just tequila, triple sec, artificial lime, and blue dye. It looks, tastes, and smells exactly like melted blue freeze pops.

"What color was it mom?"
"BLUE."

Recipe: Equal parts blue margarita mix and Thunderbird.
Look: Exactly like Windex. Exactly.
Verdict: It has the sweet tartness of an unripe plum, but that's where the similarity to anything legitimately natural. It mostly just tastes sour and vaguely papery. Yeah. Kinda like a library book and a bag of lemons in a blender. With windex. It does not work. It actually has very little effect on the thunderbird itself.

But seriously. Why is it blue? If it's just the ingredients of a margarita, why would you make it blue? What does the windex color add to it that it was lacking otherwise?

"Why did you give me this blue margarita bullshit?"

THUNDERBULL
Special Ingrdient: Red Bull.
Recipe: Equal parts Thunderbird and Red Bull. Fuckin duh.
Look: Looks pretty good actually. Sort of a golden coppery color. Looks like a beer I'd willingly drink.
Verdict: Does not taste like anything I'd willingly drink. The sweetness of the Bull really brings out the sweetness in Thunderbird, but there's nothing to counterbalance the awful parts. When you try and drink it quickly this really powerful tart flavor builds up and it gets hard to finish the rest. Better than the bluebird, but not by a lot.

It's sad, old and musty-tasting, over-sweet while being somehow bitter. It's the worst candy from the purse of the worst grandma.

I don't want to kiss you, you remind me of my own death.

THE FUSELI

That's the one.

Special Ingredient: Absente Absinthe. Green, herbal, bitter, and strong as fuck. We decided to name it after Fuseli because of his Romantic, gothic nature and the pure horror that this drink inspired.
Recipe: 1 part absinthe, 3 parts Thunderbird.
Look: Weirdly enough, it doesn't cloud up like a lot of absinthe cocktails do. It just looks thin and green and bilious and, well, it looks like fuckin flat Mountain Dew. Which is grotesque. Which, well, is fitting to the name but I don't exactly look at Fuseli paintings and get thirsty.
Verdict: This is honestly the worst one yet. The bitterness in the absinthe comes lurching out like the darkness of man with the Bird there to help it along, and all the herbal elements wind up bound to the bitter awful aspects of the thunderbird. And the fact that the absinthe is 110-proof makes the bumwine harder to drink, not easier, thus defeating the point of this whole exercise. It's two things bringing out the absolute worst in each other to create a single, new syzzygy of horrible.

"This is a song. About two people who love each other. Very much."

THUNDERDRIVER
Special ingredient: plain old orange juice. Let's make this wholesome and healthy, people. Jesus I have reached a low point in my life when mixing thunderbird with absinthe is considered a healthy alternative to what I would normally be doing. What have I done? What choices have you encouraged me in?
Recipe: 1 part t-bird, 2 parts oj.
Look: looks like orange juice.
Verdict: tastes like orange juice. With a slight tinge of garbage water. High amount of oj makes it hard to use up the bird, but this is the most drinkable. Try this in future. It's a good idea.

What I've become, Lisa.

THE HATEFUCK
Special Ingredient: All of the above. A symphony of crime.
Recipe: Like I give even one eighth of half a fuck. Like I give one-sixteetnth of a fuck.
Look: It looks creamy, opaque, yellowy-teal. It looks pretty much exactly like the thin liquid bile that dribbles from your throat when your stomach is empty but you keep retching. I want to point out that my eyelid is legit twitching right now. THUNDERBIRD.
Verdict: The red bull is definitely the strongest flavor. The whole thing tastes like a candy melange-- when you were a child and you would shove all the sweets at once into your mouth. Was it then, when you were a child, that it took hold, or was it later that you realized that Thunderbird was what suited you? And when you were alone in the dark--when Thunderbird came to one on his back in the dark--did you know that this is where you would be, that the bird would sink his talons into you and that it would taste like sugar and every crime ever committed?