Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Busch NA

In the continuing trend of giving my liver a bit of a break (at least on swill-- bought a bottle of amazing Bowmore Single Malt with my tax rebate that is looking at me like it resents me for slumming), I'm actually reviewing something non-alcoholic this week. Not that I'm not reviewing spirits-- oh no, this is that which should not be. Non-alcoholic beer.

I do not drink...alcoholic beer.

This isn't even good non-alcoholic beer. I mean, I'm pretty sure that our last non-real-beer-drinking president wouldn't even drink Busch NA, and he was pretty much addicted to bad decisions (killer album, by the way).

So, then, how is it?

Damn my journalistic integrity for making me do this. It's canned, four-bucks-for-a-sixpack BUSCH. But nope. I gotta tell you how it looks. I have to go the freezer, get out my special Achewood 8th Anniversary pint glass that I save for really nice beers, and I have to fill it up with this.
But anyway, it looks like fuckin' cheap beer, is what it looks like. It's your basic amber/yellow, dark-piss color, not-at-all opaque cheap Busch beer. It's not like you can see what makes it really bad. Only Lamont Cranston knows what shadows haunt the hearts of beers.
Not much of one at all, which, considering the track record of this blog, is honestly a point in its favor. It smells more like already-stale beer, like spilled beer left to soak for a week, than it does like an actual beverage. Certainly nothing special here, move along people.

I wanna start off by saying that Busch NA is not refreshing. That's pretty much the only justification for drinking this quality of beer if you can afford better (and you can--I'm a college student with no job and I can afford better)-- to cool off after a hot day, quench your thirst, get a little buzz going. And, since the latter is firmly out of the question (O'Douls has more alcohol in it), and it actually makes me thirstier and dehydrates me a little more, there is absolutely no reason for this beer to exist.

Ah, but Jasper, you say, like the smug motherfucker you are with your nice alcohol, how does it sit upon the pallet?

It tastes like I just ate a plain slice of bread and washed it down with some municipal tap water. Actually, no. There's a really faint carrot-and-onion taste at the bottom. I don't even know how that happens. But there is. Like I said, this is sort of a really minor Lovecraftian horror-- it's not actually horrifying, but it's still fundamentally wrong.See also.

Taste (Mixed)
I actually did find one way to make this more vaguely tolerable: drop a couple shots of Jose Cuervo in, stir it around, and knock it back. Pretty much the worst carbomb ever, like one made by a mildly retarded Irish Nationalist, and it tastes like you're drinking water out of a cactus, but at least there's definite flavor to it.

The astute among you may notice that two shots of tequila is a good bit stronger than one can of beer. I want you to think about that. To consider how hard Busch NA has failed.

It is non-alcoholic beer that has actually worsened my drinking problem.

And that's when I started drinking Busch NA.

Don't really have many this time--it was more aggressively mediocre than outright awful. Keep your eyes peeled for next time, though. I'm gonna get angry.

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