Friday, April 9, 2010

Issue 5: Mad Dog 20/20 "Bling Bling" Blue Raspberry

Mad Dog is legendary hobo-wine. Perhaps even the most legendary-- it is to other bumwines what Brando is to other actors, a mirror that shows them that they are fools. It's the encapsulation of terrible stuff to get you drunk, and things like it are the reason I started this blog.

I feel ready now. I've made it past Five O' Clock, I bested the Gentleman in an honorable duel, and now I'm ready to try and put down the Mad Dog.

Pictured: Hubris

I got myself a bottle of the sickly candy-blue "Blue Raspberry" flavor. Oh no, it's not made from raspberries. It's made from "grape wine and citrus spirits," and it is bright blue like a child's punch. I should point out now that even Mad Dog's normal red wine just says "red grape wine" on the label. Even the Lost Vineyards could manage to use one type of grape.

Actually, the bottle label has a gold chain dangling from the "MD" that said "Bling Bling." I think the flavor is "Bling Bling Blue Raspberry" then. I don't know. I really don't. I guess they're trying to market to african-americans.

Using the term "bling bling" isn't racist, but trying at all to say that any ethnic group has tastes in line with this is. Saying that you think black people would enjoy this is like saying you honestly think they were happier as slaves.

Before you get offended, keep in mind that calling someone a slavery apologist is a hell of a lot worse than pointing out that they make Mad Dog.

It's fucking blue.

I'm not gonna lie here people. I've got some trepidation here. I actually threw down pretty hard last weekend (girlfriend was in town, we realized the bottle of Maker's Mark was still pretty full), and I think this blog is really starting to eat away at my liver. I say this because it physically feels bad to smell this. I get a little queasy. That could just be the sugar though-- it smells sickeningly sweet, pretty much like a bag of Jolly Ranchers (and it is the exact same color as the blue raspberry Jolly Rancher too), and underneath all that is the really vile chemical smell.

Congratulations, Mad Dog. You have ruined the flavor of candy. It's like someone took my halloween bucket when I was a kid and just left it to soak in ethanol until now. Essentially, this is what you would actually get from the attempted combination of a spoonful of sugar and cough syrup.

Plenty of things I've drunk for this blog made me angry. This is the first that made me sad. I actually felt legitimately ashamed to drink this, like I'd taken some terrible turn with my life. This is hobo wine that actually makes you feel like a hobo. And with the fucking candy flavor, not even a dignified Tom Waits hobo. No. This is for hobos who wanna get drunk, but also really like Blo-pops. If I knocked back a little bit of the red grape wine, I could at least say to myself that yeah, it's awful, but at least I'm still a man. No. No. This is for alcoholic children. This is the American Nightmare. This is Hell.

Seriously though-- it tastes about like you'd expect from the earlier text. Pretty much like a Jolly Rancher soaked in cough syrup, or like rancid fruit.
Pictured: Fall

You may notice in that picture that there is a bottle of Windex in the background the exact same color as the wine--WINE--in my glass. Also, it doesn't even get you drunk as fast as red grape flavor. What the fuck, Mad Dog? Why do you hate the homeless and black people so much?


I see.

1 comment:

  1. The thing is, "MD" doesn't even stand for "Mad Dog." It's "Mogen David," the name of the company that makes it--a takeoff of Magen David, or the Star of David. This stuff is apparently supposed to be the bastard cousin of Manischewitz. Does this mean we can blame the Jews for this abomination?