Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Travelers Club Gin

Gin is the spirit that started my love of good liquor. I'd had rum and vodka fairly consistently throughout my Freshman year at college (because one of my suitemates was a literal, n0-jokes alcoholic), but it was over that summer when my parents poured me a strong gin and tonic and I discovered how great Tanqueray was that I decided I really liked drinking. I don't drink it as much now, having really gotten into whisky and good vodka, but when it gets hot, I still like to curl up with a powerful g&t or a French 75 and enjoy the crispness.

Travelers Club has ruined that experience.

The sun actually just bought Billy some TC.

So, let's kick back and see where our travels take us, shall we?

I mean, it's clear. I can say that I really hate the label, and I really hate the name. The Travellers Club is an exclusive, legendary English Gentleman's Club for worldly men who probably drink Hendricks or Beefeater. Travelers Club is a company that makes bad, bad liquor (they also do vodka, as if the market wasn't already glutted with three-dollar vodka trying to steal Five O Clock's crown of sorrows). But their three-fifty gin is alone on that shelf in our local liquor store. it is absolute bottom barrel. The stuff the Alpha Couple drinks in "Game Shows Touch Our Lives," from whence this blog's subtitle comes? That's Broker's Gin, and it was on the shelf above this one. Even the "I hope you die / I hope we both die" Alpha Couple would stay away from this.

Traveler's Club tries to look classy, and it is going to Hell for lying.

This doesn't smell like gin, it smells like Pine-Sol. That's not a metaphor. That is not a simile. That is a straight-up comparison. It's not as pungent, but it really just smells like fucking pine sap soaked in booze. No citrus, no sweetness, just that pungent industrial odor that's starting to become like background noise as the cheap booze slowly erodes my cortex and permeates every aspect of my life.
Hold on, lemme see if I can find my liver real quick.

Not only is it bad, it fails on every level of what gin is supposed to be. It's incredibly un-smooth, with a peppery taste to it. Pepper! Like vodka! The opposite of smooth. There's absolutely nothing resembling a citrus flavor here, and it tastes more like a pine tree than it does juniper. There's also a really faint celery flavor. I have no idea how that even happens. It basically feels like I was just mugged by Swamp Thing.
Let's get Alan Moore writing the series again. We can make this happen.

Making a very weak gin & seltzer (we were out of tonic water) is a pretty passable way to knock this back--you can cover up the badness fast enough and if you just chug it you can get the whole experience over with.

You may notice that chugging defeats the entire point of a gin and seltzer/tonic. Well, welcome to the fucking Travelers Club, where everything is hand-carved from failure and pointlessness!

However, I figured that now might be a good time to unveil a recipe I've been working on: the Pax Bisonica!

Named in honor of the late, great, Raul Julia's magnetic performance in the Street Fighter movie, I made this cocktail to try and capture both Bison's smoothness and the incredible power simmering underneath. Also, it's orange because there's a scene where (in a fuzzy lounge version of his uniform) he tries to seduce Chun-Li he tries to seduce her via an orange drink (with Bison-logo cocktail toothpicks), and you know whatever Bison's drinking it has his name.

1.5 ounces each gin, ginger ale, and orange juice
1 heavy splash each bitters and Worcestershire sauce (or Thai fish sauce, as Bison is supposed to be Thai)
ice, in a rocks glass

it's a really heavily-flavored drink, and it's got a real kick to it while still being fairly smooth and sippable. And it's the perfect way to down Travelers Club. Because the powerful flavors do a good job of drowning out the terrible, just as Julia makes an absolutely abysmal film amazing.

Raul Julia once played Mack the Knife. Just think about how awesome that was (I have the recording, even though they only ever released it on vinyl. Think how awesome I am).

Also Seagram's is like a buck fifty more and absolutely fantastic for that price, just get it instead.


  1. I hoped to face Guile face-to-face on the battlefield, where we could engage each other in respectful combat. Then I would snap his spine. But why? Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad? All I want to do is to create the perfect genetic soldier. Not for power, not for evil, but for good. Carlos Blanka will be the first of thousands. They will march out of my laboratory and crush every adversary, every creed, every nation! Until the world is in the loving grip of the Pax Bisonica. And peace will reign and all humanity will bow to me in humble gratitude.


  2. Not even the powers of Alan Moore could make you look that good in a slinky dress, Jasper.