Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Jacquin's Banana Nirvana

It's warming up down South-- in the mountains of Carolina, May already feels a bit like summer. And with no A/C in the apartment, what could possibly be better than a little bit of nice, fruity liquor? Wouldn't that be just great, something sweet and smooth that tastes great cold and gives you a buzz?

No. No. Absolutely not. I don't normally give away quality this early in the review, but Jacquin's Banana Nirvana is, beyond a doubt, the worst thing I have ever drunk. This is what the ice in the 9th circle of Dante's Inferno makes daiquiris with. It is fucking vile in every possible way.

Strap in, boys. This is gonna be rough.

It's bright, bright yellow. Neon. Piss. But the real awful thing is, there's a faint tinge of green to it as well. It just looks bilious and sickening. Wretchedly artificial, awfully tinted, blatantly offensive to the senses.

And they added color. This is a catastrophic fuck-up. You're already artificially tinting your booze, and you can't get it to look appetizing then? You have failed conclusively, Jacquin's. I don't even need to open the bottle to know that this is going to be absolutely wretched.
You have failed as sincerely as Damien Hirst's non-conceptual works.

It doesn't really smell like banana. I mean, there's a definite tinge there. But what it really smells like is that banana syrup ice cream parlors that don't want to keep actual fruit on hand use in their sundaes. Or the banana Runts. And nobody likes the banana Runts. When I was a kid I usually just threw them away.

Oh, wait. It also smells like alcohol. Because, did I mention-- It's fucking 100 proof. It is FIFTY PERCENT ALCOHOL. It is stronger than most vodka. Why? EXPLAIN, JACQUIN'S. Who in the name of God would want their banana liqueur to be 100 proof? It's presumably not meant to be drunk straight out of a glass, so why on earth would you make it that strong?

 The only logical outcome.

Actually, calling something this strong a liqueur sounds wrong. But it's so incredibly sweet, so I can't call it a schnapps or a liquor.

I'm just gonna call it a banana Hitler.

 Look, I'm just going to put on some nice soothing music until I can get it together enough to start listing everything this does wrong.
Look, it's more soothing than drinking this.

Anyway, this shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Not that it tastes like bananas, ohhh no. What it tastes like is if you soaked an over-ripe banana in sugar syrup for days until it became mush, and then mixed that with rubbing alcohol because it is 100 proof, I'm sorry I just cannot get over that fact.

I chilled it because I think that something fruity should be cold, but that just makes it disgusting. Because then it's thick and gooey and slithers its way down your throat like a banana-flavored slug. It's like blowing a baboon.

Hey baby, why don't you come on over here.

But the worst thing, oh god, the worst thing is the aftertaste. See, the astounding burn of it really leaves your throat open to the flavor, so that after you choke down the shot like said baboon has a switchblade to your neck BAM! the actual flavor, which at least the alcohol and cold suppressed, comes bubbling back up like repressed childhood trauma.

I'm having a hard time communicating how bad it is, and I know I communicate in hyperbole a lot, but this is literally the worst beverage I have ever tasted. It tastes rancid and bilious and like rotten fruit and bad sugar. It is my hell.

I tried three different ways to get this down, and none of them succeeded. Let's try a rundown.

THE FRUIT SALAD SHOT: 1/3 banana hitler, 1/3 Bootlegger Grape, 1/3 Bootlegger Apple
Using the remnants of my Johnny Bootlegger, I made this grey shot. It tasted and felt pretty much exactly like cough syrup. And that was a big, big step up from this stuff undiluted.

I do not like Banana Nirvana. Banana Nirvana is not good.

THE ELECTRIC BANANA SHOT: 1/2 Banana, 1/2 tequila, lime juice.
The tequila and the banana really complement each other in the worst way possible. This one is definitely worse than the Fruit Salad, but still far, far better than the banana by itself. It tastes kind of like rancid cactus, or like tequila made from banana Runt candy with a gummi worm in the bottom. But if you for some reason need to drink this stuff (like, psychotic killer forcing you to or the beartrap around your head triggers, your asshole friends accidentally mixed the antidote for your snakebite in), sure, mix it with tequila. Mix it with anything. Mix it with Riva vodka, because even that would improve the flavor.

DAIQUIRI: I don't have a blender, so I'll just have to have this on ice instead of with crushed ice. But if you're buying this Hitler, this is probably what you're buying it for, so let's see how it works out. The Black Seal rum tastes pretty nice, at least (I didn't have any light rum). But pretty much drinking this just makes me wish I could remove the banana part and just do rum, ice, and lime. It is a very tropical drink, but in the best (Black Seal=Gauguin paintings) and worst (Jacquin's=syphilis) ways.

I just Google Image Searched "Syphilis" to find an illustration, and it was still a better decision than drinking this.

Bottom line, Banana Nirvana absolutely fails at everything. It is disgusting, misbegotten, vile, and chemical-laden. It is the Jerri Blank of alcohol.

I know I bitch, but I usually have a lot of  fun writing this site. There's a joy to the depths of the worst liquors. You may even be tempted to become a tourist in the realm of my suffering--for entertainment, solidarity, or just a dirty cheap drunk.

Not today. This issue is a public service: never, ever drink this. There is nothing but pain here for you. It is, without competition, the worst that I have ever drunk. ME. That's like Paul Reubens saying "nah, no thanks dude. That's just too damn weird."
Feeling better already. Fuck, I love that little guy.


  1. I remember drinking this.

    On the night my girlfriend passed out in an ant hill and we cooked thirty steaks.

    Our lives are like a Lee Marvin movie.

  2. A valiant effort in describing it, but I feel that the only way to accurately convey the hell that is this bottle is in a silenced, Lovecraft-Staring-Into-the-Abyss-and-seeing-the-monsters-at-the-end-of-time type of scream.

  3. It's slightly tolerable in OJ,FYI if you must drink it.

  4. I just bought this stuff because
    1)it was $5.25 at the abc!
    2)love me some fake banana (yes, even runts)

    I disapprove of your syrup shot, tequila, and dark rum applications...I haven't busted it open yet, but you've gotta give it a fair shake; It's going in orange juice and maybe in diet 7up.

  5. I think all of you guys are absolutely wrong. Jacquins is $5.00 for a pint. You guys need to stop crying about the taste and grow a back bone. It taste better than most vodka (even expensive vodka). I say drink it straight..take 3-5 quick shots then a shot every so often. Even if you can't bear the taste, just think the after taste is gone after 5 seconds max (use a chaser) and you don't have to drink an entire cup. May I'm just apart of the small percentage of the would rather get drunk quick and cheaply group, but Jaquins is always a great choice anytime, especially when the money is running low.