Wednesday, May 19, 2010

WOBW Day 3: MD Orange Jubilee

Okay. We're two days in-- we got Mad Dog Classic and Orange Driver (fucking Orange Driver) out of the way, and we're to the point where, if this week is going to start destroying me, it's gonna be tonight, as the hangovers and disgust start to pile up faster than I can deal with. So. I got my snarky Jewish friend Naomi with me here to help with the bitterness and black humor (I am sorry. But she is). So-- and it has been so good having people help me through this, I love you and everyone who cheers me on through the orgy of self-destruction --let's dive into Mad Dog Orange Jubilee.


Like really thick, pulpy orange juice. But thick, pulpy orange juice that is somehow also made from concentrate-- somehow really slushy-looking but also artificially-colored and too yellow rather than orange. It's also really, stunningly opaque. It blocks the light better than the Mad Dog Red did. It looks like a hangover.

Oddly enough, it doesn't smell like orange, or even like orange candy. It mostly smells like white wine vinegar and lucky charms. This is good, because it sure as fuck doesn't taste like oranges. But it really doesn't smell like that much of anything. It hides. It  lurks. like a goddamn alligator. Made of orange juice and sorrow.

Good lord, is this thick. This is another way in which it compares But here's the thing-- it doesn't taste like oranges. It also doesnt' really taste like wine at all-- there's this simmering bitterness under it that hints at that, but it mostly tastes sugary and undefinedly fruity. It definitely tastes like it's supposed to be fruit-- maybe even citrus --but I don't know what.

 Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit. There's Also Whatever This Is Made Of. And (According To The Book) Vaginas.

It really does taste like Trix. Whatever the hell that is. But it's not really much of a buzz at all. There's definitely a buzz there, but it's not a real emotional one.I more just feel a little nauseous and this vague air of disappointment and confusion. Now I've spilled the last of the bumwine and moved onto a Churchill gibson with Tanq, so I'm fuckin' done trying to analyze this. I think this is going to be a trend of this week-- not so much rage as exhaustion.

"This is the kind of drink a pedophile would give a kid in a plastic cup for asking him what a trouser snake is. I can't believe Jews made this-- it kind of makes the Holocaust make more sense."
I love that girl so much for making that comment-- I've wanted to for as long as I've been drinking Mogen David but I'm glad the Jewish student of Holocaust lit made it. She's an old hand at MD and she really agrees here. This barely tastes like alcohol and mostly just tastes like sugar.

 "The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)"

And the owner is a mental midget with the I.Q. of a fence post
'Cause the piano has been drinking, the piano has been drinking...
And you can't find your waitress with a Geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends and you just can't get served without her
And the box-office is drooling, and the bar stools are on fire
And the newspapers were fooling, and the ash-trays have retired
'Cause the piano has been drinking, the piano has been drinking

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